Here are the words I never thought I'd say at the beginning of a long, hot summer: I miss the NFL.
But it's true. I miss covering Ravens OTA's and watching big, fat linemen running around in the blistering heat and pretending to like it.
I miss all the paranoia out at the Castle during OTA's, too. Especially when team officials go all KGB with the media. ("Stand behind this line! No using your cell phones! Turn the TV cameras off!")
I miss hearing Ravens fans beat up on Joe Flacco. Maybe it's only June, but there's nothing like the nasally tones of Eddie from Arbutus and Bobby from Bel Air trashing a quarterback who's led his team to the playoffs three years in a row.
Sure, a bunch of the Ravens got together informally for workouts at Towson University last week. But that was mostly a lot of half-speed drills and standing around talking to reporters.
You had to laugh when a few of the Ravens said they were worried about getting hurt. They had a better chance of turning an ankle climbing back in their Escalades and Hummers when the workout was over.
Here's how bad things got: To get my football fix, I found myself watching Hines Ward on "Dancing with the Stars."
Did you know the Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver never danced a lick in his life before he went on that show?
And that he was so terrified of dancing he didn't even go to his prom?
I didn't know any of that, either. But that's what Ward said on "Good Morning America" after he and what's-her-name beat out Kirstie Alley and her partner to win what everyone kept calling "the coveted Mirror Ball trophy."
Which leads me to my next question. A football player twirling around a dance floor in froo-froo outfits that look like something from the Michael Jackson Collection — how does that play with Steelers Nation?
Is this something your average Iron City-swilling, kielbasa-wolfing, blue-collar Steelers fan can relate to?
When I wasn't watching the dance moves of Ward, the Steeler Ravens fans love to hate most, I was waiting for updates on Tom Zbikowski's boxing career.
As you know, the Ravens safety decided to get away from the rough-and-tumble world of football during the NFL lockout by taking up a more tranquil pursuit: trying to beat somebody's brains out in the ring.
But maybe he got tired of beating up one tomato can after another. Because now he's announced he's putting his boxing career on hold to concentrate on football— even though no one's actually playing football right now.
On the other hand, the big crime wave that Ray Lewis predicted hasn't happened, either.
You'll recall that the Ravens All-Galaxy middle linebacker said there would be a significant rise in "evil, which we call crime" if NFL fans couldn't get their weekly football fix.
He didn't scare me as much as that nutty California preacher who predicted the end of the world a couple weeks ago, and then came up with a rain date when the world was still here.
But I've been double-checking the locks on the doors since Ray-Ray's prediction. Although maybe it's too early in the lockout to test his theory. Or maybe it's just been too hot for all the criminals.
In the meantime, I'm hearing lots of Ravens fans wailing about having to pay their season-ticket bills in full.
Hey, I don't blame fans for being upset. I'd be going thermonuclear, too, if I had to shell out all that dough when no one knows if there will even be a season.
And if there isn't an NFL season, let me go on record as predicting something far more catastrophic than an up-tick in crime.
That's right: I'm saying more and more players will show up on "Dancing with the Stars." Maybe even some of the Ravens.
I could definitely see Ray Rice cutting a rug on that program. Or Derrick Mason.
That's why it's imperative that the owners and players sit down and hammer out a deal.
Now.
Before it's too late.
(Listen to Kevin Cowherd Tuesdays from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. with Jerry Coleman on V1370 AM Sports.)