As this is Fourth of July weekend and we're all filled with the usual patriotic fervor, it's time to again address my pet peeve: singers at the ballpark who turn the national anthem into a nightclub act.
It was in this town, after all, that Francis Scott Key penned "The Star-Spangled Banner" during the Battle of Fort McHenry in the War of 1812.
But ol' Francis Scott, he'd roll over in his grave if he saw what some performers do to his beloved song in their pre-game renditions.
Personally, I like to hear the anthem sung up-tempo and with great feeling.
I also like to hear it sung in a traditional manner, without a lot of hamming it up.
But mainly I like to hear it sung quickly.
By quickly I'm talking about a minute and 10 seconds. Anything more than that, the person at the microphone should get the hook.
The reason is simple: I'm there to watch a ballgame, not to witness the vocal stylistics of this budding diva from Bel Air or that aspiring torch singer from Severna Park.
When the national anthem turns into an "American Idol" audition, that's when I clench my teeth and the veins in my neck start to pulse.
For the most part, the two professional teams in town, the Orioles and the Ravens, handle the anthem the right way.
According to Monica Barlow, the Orioles' crack director of public relations, the team asks aspiring performers to send in a CD or MP3 audio file of their rendition of the anthem.
The club gets about 300 submissions a year, mostly from local individuals and school and college groups. This number is eventually winnowed to 81, one for each of the team's home games.
And here's the best part: The Orioles tell the singers to keep it to 90 seconds.
And if they go over, a big Baltimore cop with a nightstick comes out of the dugout and whacks them upside the head.
OK, I'm kidding about the cop. But even though 90 seconds is about 20 seconds too long in my book, at least the Orioles make sure the singer isn't going off on some rambling, theatrical production that'll never end.
The Ravens, on the other hand, have used one anthem singer since 1996, which pretty much tells you they like the way the guy sings.
His name is Mishael Miller, a native of Philadelphia who's a classically trained vocalist. Miller knows that football fans are a little different from baseball fans in terms of how jacked up they are, how much beer they've consumed and the amount of, um, patience they display toward the anthem singer.
"I've learned to cater to the wishes and demands of the fans," Miller said diplomatically. And from the Ravens themselves, he said, "I've received direction about what's good and what's not good."
Still, he said his version of the anthem generally goes on for about a minute and 43 seconds, which surprised me, because I didn't think you could keep the drunks at bay for that long.
Now Miller, he can get a little fancy at the end of the anthem when he hits those high notes and holds them for what seems an eternity.
He calls it "a traditional version with a twist." But there's a reason for that.
"In some cases," he says, "I'm singing like I'm still in church."
Which is OK with me as long as it's a church where everyone sings fast.
I like when duos, trios, choruses, choirs and marching bands sing or play the anthem, because they tend to keep the song moving.
If, for instance, you're the fat guy in the marching band lugging around the tuba on a hot day at Camden Yards or M&T; Bank Stadium, you don't want the anthem to drag on any longer than it has to.
Are you kidding? You're already sweating your butt off in that goofy band costume. And the tuba is starting to feel as if it weighs 300 pounds.
So your tendency will be to hurry things along, hit the right notes at the right time and get off the field.
This kind of quick no-nonsense anthem tends to cut down on all the eye-rolling and watch-checking on the part of the fans and is always appreciated.
Remember anthem performers: There's a ballgame coming up. And that's what we're all here to see.
No offense to you and whatever that was you were singing.
Listen to Kevin Cowherd from 4 p.m. to 6p.m. Tuesdays with Jerry Coleman on Fox 1370 Sports.