Michael Phelps went on Spike's "Lip Sync Battle: All-Stars Live" on Sunday night, and he was, for once, a heavy underdog.

Michael Phelps went on Spike's "Lip Sync Battle: All-Stars Live" on Sunday night, and he was, for once, a heavy underdog. Olivia Munn, Terry Crews and John Legend were the All-Stars; he was just some swimmer with the most Olympic medals ever.

If only there were some song he could perform about having one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything he ever wanted (besides athletic immortality ... and a family ... and millions of dollars). If only there were some song — preferably a rap song — by an artist from the state where he trained for a few years that people would know and rally around. If only it had also been featured on a major motion picture's soundtrack!

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AMERICA, FEAR NOT. I GIVE YOU THE REAL SWIM SHADY:

We don't even get an obligatory #PhelpsFace before his inner "B-Rabbit" emerges.

Hooded sweatshirt? Check.

Heavily graffitied room with a mirror? Yup.

Timberlands? Of course, but these boots look pretty new.

Celebrities cheering him on? Wait ...

Background dancers? Hold on.

Why is there an American flag now dramatically descending? And where's Mekhi Phifer?

OK, so "Lip Sync Battle" voters apparently don't care about a little thing called historical accuracy of semi-biographical dramas, because Phelps won.

Personally, I would have voted for Crews' stirring rendition of Public Enemy's "Fight the Power," because Terry Crews is awesome and I'm not really sure Phelps proved he knew all the lyrics to "Lose Yourself." I mean, there's definitely some early dissonance in the lip movement and the song audio, right?

Oh, well. If Simone Biles and Aly Raisman also couldn't stop Phelps, this ersatz Eminem was always going to win as easily as Phelps in Rio. To paraphrase Marshall Mathers himself: I suppose this kind of story is old, partner, but the beat goes on. (Da-da-dum da-dum dah-dah.)

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