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A matchup of notable shimmy artists: Hillary Clinton and Greivis Vasquez.
A matchup of notable shimmy artists: Hillary Clinton and Greivis Vasquez. (Spencer Platt/Getty Images; AP Photo/Gail Burton)

By now, you've probably learned about an appropriate time to do a Hillary Clinton Shimmy. In the hours after Monday night's presidential debate, when-to-shimmy guides took over approximately half of Millennial Internet.

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When someone says, "A hot dog isn't a sandwich" — shimmy.

Shimmy stock has never been higher. The Rolling Stones are officially out; rolling shoulders are now in. "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" might as well be our national anthem. London's Daily Telegraph even called Clinton the creator of a "new viral dance move."

Viral? Sure. New? I reached out to Greivis Vasquez for comment.

In the nearly 100-year history of the shimmy, there have been few more accomplished practitioners than the former Maryland men's basketball star. In College Park, he became to the shimmy what Ray Lewis was to the "squirrel" dance at M&T Bank Stadium.

But whose shimmy was more shimmy-er: Clinton's or Vasquez's? To answer this important question, The Baltimore Sun conducted an unscientific, entirely subjective investigation. Four criteria were considered in the comparison: impact, commitment, creativity and intangibles.

IMPACT

Vasquez became synonymous with shimmies as he turned into an Atlantic Coast Conference Player of the Year and All-America guard at Maryland. Thousands watched him do the "Caracas Shuffle" in person at Xfinity Center (née Comcast Center), and millions more on TV, over his four years.

On the other hand: 84 million viewers, and just as many Hillary Clinton Shimmy think pieces.

Winner: Clinton

Hillary Clinton
(J. Scott Applewhite / AP)

COMMITMENT

Vasquez's shimmies are full-body performances, starting at the head ("This is my game face!"), moving on to the gyrating shoulders and terminating with a couple of cocksure steps forward.

Clinton's initial shimmy seems involuntary, as if she's shuddering at the thought of a Donald Trump presidency. Only after the audience laughs does she, now encouraged, give another shake. This country deserves consistent shimmies from its leadership.

Winner: Vasquez

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Greivis Vasquez
(Karl Merton Ferron / Baltimore Sun)

CREATIVITY

Vasquez shimmies after big shots. Clinton shimmies after a Trump potshot. Pardon my election parlance, but this is too close to call.

Winner: Tie

Tie
(STAN HONDA / AFP/Getty Images)

INTANGIBLES

Clinton's shimmy, while indelible, reflected her opponent's incoherence more than it did her own personality. This shoulder-rolling did not come from some deep well of effervescence; it was a release, a catch-your-breath moment for Clinton and the country's slack-jawed viewers.

Vasquez has been shimmying since he was a kid in Venezuela. He shimmied in high school at Rockville's Montrose Christian. He shimmied during his freshman year at Maryland, inside Duke's Cameron Indoor Stadium. He shimmied on the road, shimmied at home. He shimmies in the NBA. He'll be shimmying till he can't shimmy no more.

Vasquez is the shimmy. The shimmy is Vasquez.

Winner: Vasquez

Greivis Vasquez
(Karl Merton Ferron / Baltimore Sun)

OVERALL WINNER: Vasquez over Clinton, 2-1

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