Just in case the world is actually ending...


Dude, what the hell?
This week has officially been a double ass-burger with extra cheese. We’ve got stuff blowing up in Texas, jag bags harming innocent civilians in Boston, Chicago is half underwater, the Senate is apparently half in the bag when they vote now, Derrick Rose officially didn’t play a single minute of the NBA season and Drake dropped the most sensitive rap song since “I need love.” I’m not the most religious person in the world, but you have to start looking around and wondering … is this the end of days?
Well, if it happens to be, I’d like to address some stuff that has been lingering on my chest for a bit.

  • I purchased the Trapt CD the day it came out in 2002.
  • I dated a girl once because I felt bad for her.
  • When I moved to the suburbs in 4th grade, I lied to a bunch of kids and told them Dominique Wilkins was my uncle. He isn’t. 
  • My friends and I were all gay for the two-week period between the release of Hanson’s “MMMBop” video and the revelation that Taylor Hanson was indeed a boy.
  • On three separate occasions, I called in to vote for Limp Bizkit’s “Nookie” on "Total Request Live."
  • When I was younger, I whistled and catcalled white women very loudly for about a week or so because I was pissed about Emmitt Till. 
  • I’ve faked it. 
  • More than once.
  • The first time I tried pot, I got so high that I started crying.
  •  I used my friends butt as a pillow one time.
  •  That friend was a dude.

I feel much better. Everybody be safe out there and be kind to one another. Sidebar: If my house is flooded when I get home, I'll need drinking buddies. You know where to find me.






Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye's Facebook page

Copyright © 2018, The Baltimore Sun, a Baltimore Sun Media Group publication | Place an Ad