How-to books on wilderness living help us enjoy nature as our ancestors did — without electricity, indoor plumbing, houses and 7-Elevens — and not get clobbered in the process.
"Wilderness Survival for Dummies," "The Backpacker's Field Guide to Seemingly Harmless Mushrooms," "Hillbilly Hand Fishing and Banjo for Beginners" and "Everything You've Always Wanted to Know about Camping, But Were Too Terrified to Ask" are chock full of good, sound advice. "Photographing Wild Animals Without Getting Eaten" is another good read.
"How to Go Without the Email for a Whole Weekend" is most enlightening; it'll keep you from scratching messages in the dirt and hitting a "send" button made from a flat rock in the wilderness.
Field guides teach you how to catch your own dinner, and they don't mean catching your burger bag as it's tossed out the drive-through window. Long ago, people had to stalk and snare their own hamburgers if they were hungry. Which is why, I suspect, so many of them were gatherers rather than hunters.
How-to books explain how to catch your supper fresh from a clear mountain stream using the latest fishing gear and cook it on a propane camp stove while listening to music from your iPod docking station. There are also instructions on building a shelter using only a hammer and a $600 tent from Cabela's.
Cold-weather camping can be dangerous, so this season read up on how to stay warm by wearing several layers of L.L. Bean shirts, jackets and electric socks. But most important, read the instructions on stocking an outdoor first-aid kit, including a pair of pliers and antibiotic ointment for when you get a fish hook caught in your eye.
Lots of authors tell 21st century folks how to live like it's 800 B.C. But indoor life is fraught with danger, too. Every day we face hazardous contraptions like beds, pants and refrigerators. I've gotten my hand caught in stuff I didn't even know you could get your hand caught in, not to mention tumbling down steep, bumpy inclines (a.k.a. basement stairs).
The indoors are a death trap! Pitfalls and dangers lurk around every corner.
Once, I needed to remove a hair brush ensnared in my long, tangled, permed hair. Home alone and in serious danger of losing a handful of my curly locks, I panicked — then tapped my inner survival skills. I used peanut butter and saved all of my hair, but the brush was never right again.
My point is, we also need survival guides to one of the harshest and most hostile environments on the planet: the great indoors.
Titles I'd like to see:
"How Not to Cause an Explosion Mixing Household Cleansers"
"Separating Laundry for Dummies (or How to Keep Your White Socks from Turning Pink)."
"The Weekend Warrior's Fridge-Cleaning Bible (Chapter 1: Don't Eat the Blue Spaghetti)"
"Reaching into a Moving Garbage Disposal and Other Stupid Things Not to Do."
Is there an indoor-survival specialist willing to share his or her knowledge? After all, I may be an adult, but when it comes to being run over by a "walking" washing machine, or fixing the garage wall where I ran into it with the car, I'm just a babe in the woods.
Email Cathy Drinkwater Better at cbetter@juno.com.