UPDATED: Would someone please erase Puppy Monkey Baby from my brain?
What was Mountain Dew thinking when it devised this hideous creature to promote a new drink? Ghastly.
Super Bowl Sunday is the day for commercial watchers, but so many fell short.
It was a day for hyperbole. Audi compared one of its cars to the early days of the space program. Bud Light has created a new movement with the help of Amy Schumer and Seth Rogen. Taco Bell has whipped up a food creation that evidently could change the course of humanity. The biggest secret ever will be revealed this week on "The Big Bang Theory," CBS teased.
Some commercials went big on the gross factor. An ultrasound revealed that an unborn baby wanted Doritos really bad -- please erase that one from my memory, too. (Doritos had more luck with dogs who were determined to get the snack at a grocery store.)
For Marmot, a man and a marmot got real close. A nasty old razor tried to help sell DollarShaveClub. Driving a Prius will help criminals outrun the law -- what kind of message is that to send on TV's biggest day? A man rode a bull off a plane for Butterfinger, another terrible image.
Nostalgia was a recurring them. Snickers put Willem Dafoe in Marilyn Monroe's "Seven Year Itch" dress before vintage footage of Marilyn materialized. Jeff Goldblum sang the "Jeffersons" theme for Apartments.com. Key & Peele, whose show is much missed, goofed off for Squarespace. Alec Baldwin and Dan Marino bickered for Amazon Echo. The Hulk and Ant-Man shilled for Coca-Cola. An "Independence Day" sequel is headed our way with destruction of an end-of-the-world variety. "X-Men: Apocalypse" looks every bit as dire.
Kevin Hart went to elaborate lengths to keep track of his dating daughter and promote Hyundai. PayPal tried to tell us there was a difference between old money and new money. Sorry, no sale.
The better spots: Scott Baio and extraterrestrials helped sell Avocados from Mexico in an elaborate bit set aboard a spaceship.
Steven Tyler and a singing portrait promoted the appeal of Skittles. Athletes saluted the power of Advil. A celebration of Jeep offered stunning photographs. Jason Bourne, in the person of Matt Damon, will be back in movie theaters this summer. Hooray!
CBS used a commercial to announce that this is the final season for "The Good Wife" after seven years.
Celebrity was deployed effectively by Mini Clubman, which enlisted Serena Williams, Abby Wambach, Tony Hawk and Harvey Keitel to celebrate the car.
Anthony Hopkins pushed TurboTax.com with class, sass and humor. Liam Neeson turned on the charisma for LG Oled TV in a flashy spot. Christopher Walken, with his bravura wackiness, spoke up Kia Optima and urged a man to pursue color in a beige world.
Most memorable use of a celebrity: Budweiser drafted Helen Mirren to tell off drunk drivers.
Heinz was a contender for the cutest spot; it dressed dachshunds in hot dog buns to illustrate the appeal of ketchup. Sheep sang and a dog talked to help Honda sell the Ridgeline pickup. And there were those dogs that dressed up as a human to buy Doritos and outsmart a grocery store.
For a change, humans were in the running for cutest spot. The NFL explained the Super Bowl baby trend by bringing on people conceived after their hometown won the big game.