Straw poll vaults Cain as Perry fizzles

"I personally believe whoever wins that straw poll, they will be the next president of the United States." — Gov.Rick Scott.

President Herman Cain?

Hey, never question Scott's impeccable political acumen.

I've watched the Republican debate and I've watched President Barack Obama lead.

And based on that, the pizza guy is looking pretty darn good.

Cain won the Florida straw poll by default, but you have to start somewhere, even if it is as the none-of-the-above candidate.

The rumors about Rick Perry's IQ have turned out to be alarmingly true.

Maybe George W. Bush couldn't have beat brother Jeb in "Jeopardy." But he certainly wasn't dumb. He just played the role.

Perry is the real deal, puffed up like a Parris Island recruit, saying stuff that would embarrass Gomer Pyle, alienating the very people who came to shower him with their love.

This guy could blow a date in a Texas brothel.

He couldn't even handle Rick Santorum, who grilled him like an errant schoolchild on the Texas Dream Act. And this is what one of John McCain's aides had to say about Santorum: "For pure, blind stupidity, nobody beats Rick Santorum.''

Well, apparently, somebody does.

Perry knew where the bullets were coming from and still couldn't duck.

He was supposed to get better after the first debate, and has steadily gotten worse.

Can you imagine him going up against Obama?

There would have to be 12 percent unemployment for Perry to win.

Mitt Romney could win with the current 9.1 percent.

He certainly didn't bask in the Florida love either, finishing behind Perry. But he is just hanging out, waiting for the Republicans to run out of anybody-but-Mitt offerings.

Tim Pawlenty was the first one. He attracted most of Jeb Bush's brain trust to his campaign. Just as they were gearing up to build a Florida machine for Pawlenty, he decided to duke it out with Michele Bachmann at the Iowa county fairs.

Unable to credibly dumb himself down, he lost.

So Pawlenty dropped out and backed Romney.

And now the Jebbies must decide if their search for an alternative to Romney turns into a search for an alternative to Perry.

Which would be Romney.

Unless Gov. Chris Christie becomes the alternative to Perry and Romney, given that Jeb isn't interested in becoming the alternative to all of them.

Jeb seems more interested in rescuing education than his party.

Are you getting all this?

Bachmann was fun while she lasted. But just as she was looking competent, she went all HPV on us and turned into that crazy woman spinning the roulette wheel in the Halloween Horror Nights promotion.

Jon Huntsman isn't crazy and won't even pretend he's crazy, ruling him out.

Newt Gingrich is enjoying himself and will be returning to Sean Hannity's warm embrace soon enough.

Ron Paul is in it for the message.

Santorum is, well, why rehash that?

As for Cain, he has a master's degree from Purdue. He went from Coca-Cola to Pillsbury, where he became a vice president. He then took over 400 Burger Kings in Philadelphia and in three years turned them from losers into the most profitable stores in the region.

From there he took over the stumbling Godfather's Pizza chain and reversed its fortunes as well. He did it through leadership and team building.

That sounds pretty good right now.

And besides, I'd rather have Chilean Social Security than no Social Security at all.

mthomas@tribune.com or 407-420-5525