Raising children in a married, two-parent home is not the end-all to resolving all of life's ills for black American families ("Race isn't the problem, out-of-wedlock births are March 18) as a recent letter to the editor suggests. The constant notion that black children being raised in a single parent home is morally reprehensible and the destruction to the African American community is insulting, especially considering 80 percent of society is Christian and in the Bible, (Luke 6:37) Jesus commands his disciples not to judge. Yet, repeatedly in religious, social and political circles, the family structure of black people seem to be of constant debate — often in divisive and offensive manners.
People need to stop assuming they know what's best for others because sometimes being raised by a single parent is what's best. I know from personal experience as an African American that a single parent family home can be the best option. I had a father who was consistently inconsistent. He rarely paid the $200-a-month in child support and when he did, he complained about it, often suggesting my mother was stealing from him.
When I was 7 years old, my parents agreed I would spend every other week with him. This lasted not even a year. Often, I found myself alone under his roof. By the age of 8, I had had enough and stopped pretending. The every other weekend schedule had ceased and by my command. Though at the time I didn't know this, this would be our future relationship — constant strain and distance. On top of that were lies, lies and more lies that resulted from anger and pain. It seemed to me that my dad resented my moms' independence, smarts and veracity. And his jealousy led to hurting me emotionally.
Over the course of my elementary to teen years, we rarely spoke. He rarely called on my birthdays, much less mailed a card. He rarely called on holidays and by my teen years, had stopped paying child support which he barely made to begin with. He claimed this was due to my mother moving me at age 8 to Virginia from California. Never mind that he left my mother alone in Hawaii when I was 2 and moved to California.
I carried this weak relationship in my heart for years. My mother tried and tried to get my father involved in my life — setting up visits that I more often than not came home crying from. Concerned about the influence of passivity due to my father's reluctance to parent, my mom asked, "Do you want your father in your life?" My response was, "Not really." That was the moment I started to feel free from having to have a relationship with my dad.
As a freshman in college, I called to see how he was doing and if he could send me $25 for school supplies. His response, "Why can't your mother give you the money?" He didn't care she was helping me with tuition and other school expenses. He demanded I create a list of items needed to see if $25 was really necessary. In his opinion, I was asking for too much. To him, helping me was an inconvenience. That day, I wrote him a letter, and expressed my pain and disappointment. The choice to him was clearly presented — be my dad and stop with the disappointments or stay out of my life forever. He chose the latter. The last time I saw my dad in person I was 16. The last time I spoke with him I was 18. I'm 33 now.
The point is, stop judging family types based on cold statistics and address from a place of love, understanding and acceptance. I'm tired of the family I grew up in being maligned with negativity. I grew up to be a responsible adult and I was raised solely by my mom. Consequently, Barack Obama grew up without his dad and he's now president of the United States. Statistics do not determine people's fate, people do.
Additionally, as a pro-life Democrat, I applaud my mom for having me out of wedlock while serving in the military.
Quiana Fulton, Manassas, Va.