Parenting styles are under scrutiny like never before, with different factions arguing the pros and cons of being a tiger mom, a helicopter dad or a free-range family — and each camp certain their method is the one to produce a better, brighter, more fulfilled child.
The tendency to excessively analyze child-rearing has been building for years, but it seemed to reach new heights after the publication of Amy Chua's 2011 book, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," — a memoir, according to the author, and a litany of scary scenarios, according to readers. Ms. Chua, a high-achieving Yale law-school professor, describes raising her two daughters the "Chinese way": no TV; no texting, tweeting or e-mailing friends; no play dates; no sleepovers. Instead, she demands relentless study and relentless practice — piano for her elder daughter, violin for the younger. When either gets a grade below an A, Ms. Chua berates them.
As horrified by Ms. Chua's methods as typical American parents said they were, along with many Asian-American parents, Tiger Mother topped the best-seller list for months. After all, Asian students far outrank American students in reading, science and math, and as Po Bronson noted in New York Magazine, "American mothers and fathers are dying for permission to be a little tougher on their kids."
Let's face it. We live in a permissive society where children often rule, and, Mr. Bronson said, "parents wind up exhausted by all the cheerleading, much of which is empty pantomime."
Then there are the celebrity moms — "professional narcissists like Angelina Jolie and Madonna [who] want their own little replicas in addition to the African and Asian children that they collect to advertise their open-mindedness," Erica Jong said in a 2010 Wall Street Journal article. The piece also dismissed the "attachment parenting" phenomenon where parents never separate from their kids, even at night, wearing them like an appendage.
As a single mother and full-time breadwinner, Ms. Jong said she often had to leave her daughter with nannies and sitters while she went on book tours, flying from city to city. And that was more than enough, according to her now grown daughter, Molly Jong-Fast, herself now a mother of three. "Parenting is an imperfect science," says Ms. Jong-Fast, adding, "because of my mother's hard work, I have the life I do now. She worked hard so the women of my generation could have the choice to work or to stay home."
In an interview in Marie Claire Magazine, Emma Watson, better known as Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies, claims her parents, both English solicitors, gave her "too much freedom." Surely Ms. Watson's parents instilled in her persistence and determination, as well, given her resolve to get the part. (Auditioning for the first Harry Potter movie at age 9, she said she went over her lines relentlessly, because she "just had to have that part.") Today Ms. Watson has a degree from Brown University and a successful acting career.
Whereas children should be given freedom (even to fail, because one learns from failure as well as from success) they also need to be taught to take responsibility for their actions and to deal with a good dose of the truth. Some parents are in total denial, praising little Johnny's every utterance regardless of value. Even though these children may have incredibly low College Board scores, their parents insist on finding some college somewhere that will take them, rather than encourage something more realistic but less prestigious, like training in a skilled trade. Ill-equipped for higher education or for the job market, these children often grow up to be disappointed and unhappy, a drain on society.
A child can be overparented as patients can be overmedicated. Both situations are detrimental to one's health. Clearly, good parenting is somewhere in the middle. Don't be a tyrant, expecting your son or daughter to be perfect. Encourage children, but realistically assess their abilities, their strengths and weaknesses. To be sure, there always will be arguments about parental rearing practices, for one size does not fit all. While some berate Amy Chua's autocratic style, it should be noted that her elder daughter gave a recital at Carnegie Hall. And Emma Watson, with all her so-called childhood freedom, has grown up to be disciplined, making wise choices.
When I was four years old, I wrote a thank-you note for a gift from a family friend. My mother, not satisfied with the letter, tore it up and made me write another. Mother remembers the incident; I do not. But I did grow up to become a writer.
Lynne Agress, who teaches in the Odyssey Program of Johns Hopkins, is president of BWB-Business Writing At Its Best, Inc. and author of "The Feminine Irony" and "Working With Words In Business And Legal Writing." Her e-mail is lynneagress@aol.com.