Parenting older kids: a tested, nuanced relationship

My sister is 10 years younger than I, and while we are close, we are in different stages of life. Her oldest child is 7, mine 25. So when the conversation on a recent evening out with my sister and a few of her friends turned to the raising of young children, I found myself just listening.The first thing that struck me was how different this conversation of family events and cute stories felt from the conversations that I’m currently having. As my friends and I discuss the latest antics of our late teen/early 20s children, the tone is decidedly less sweet (recent topics have included therapists and employment). And it’s not that our children are doing badly; they are, on balance, doing pretty well. But launching young adults into the world is a rocky time, often with more missteps than cuteness.The discussion at the table turned to an upcoming second-grade field trip. Apparently, it was an overnight field trip, and while parent chaperones were invited, none of these women were chosen. They worried about their children missing them and them missing their children. I found my mind casting back through time — I know my friends and I had very similar conversations; they just seemed so long ago. I listened to these women with some amusement and some envy.One of the women suddenly said, “You know what we could do? We could stay at a hotel near the field trip, and that way, we won’t be far away if needed.” My mind snapped back to attention. I looked to my sister, hoping my desire to laugh out loud wasn’t showing. Come on — was she serious? Would any of these women really consider following the field trip?But the look on my sister’s face tempered mine. She was nodding seriously, apparently weighing the option. I fiddled with the stem of my wineglass and stayed quiet.After a bit, I chimed in, muttering something about how different young mother and older mother conversations can be. The women turned to me, and I instantly recognized the wary look in their eyes — the look that says, “Please don’t tell me how bad parenting is going to get.” I understood; really, who wants to hear that? And what good would come of it? I poured myself another glass of wine.And in truth, it’s not bad, this later stage of parenting. In many ways, I actually like it better than the exhausting early stages. I don’t have to think about a babysitter or carry a bag of supplies or deal with tantrums or the constant demands of a young child. I enjoy incredibly interesting conversations, as my children develop their own interests, talents, ideas.But it feels more emotionally complicated. The infatuation on the faces of these women is not on mine anymore. My children are leaving my home, and my love for them is deeper, more nuanced, more tested. We have been through many good times and many hard ones. We have stayed close, but we have had to pull and push at each other to do so.Later in the evening, when my sister and I were alone, I told her that I had felt like a woman who had been married 20 years listening to newlyweds talk about love. Had I ever really been that intensely in love with my children? That caught up in it all?She laughed and reminded me of the time that I drove after the school bus, when my oldest was 5. I had forgotten — the memory came flooding back. I had driven behind that bus in my slippers, following my son to kindergarten to make sure that he got there safely. I must have looked like a crazy woman. I remember the teacher coming out of the classroom and gently but firmly telling me to go home.I laughed too, as I pulled my sister in for a hug. My mind turned to earlier in the evening, when I saw the wary eyes. Was there anything I wanted to say to my sister now, just the two of us, about the road ahead? The seconds ticked by.“It’s just fun to remember how intense the love is when they are so little,” I whispered in her ear, as I released her. And I left it at that.Kim Flyr is a therapist and yoga teacher; her website is kimflyrcounseling.com.

Parenting older kids: a tested, nuanced relationship

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