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A talk with little Donnie Trump

Trump has repeatedly challenged people to IQ tests, but when someone once asked him to prove his own score, he simply replied: "The highest, a-hole!" The Washington Post asked the White House if it would share his IQ test results on Sunday, if there are any, but got no immediate reply.

“One hundred percent of the people around him ... say he is like a child.”

— Michael Wolff, author of “Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House”

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Donald, we have to have one of our little talks.

I know you don’t like it when I say that. You’d rather be texting on your phone or playing with the Air Force One plane we gave you. And you’d rather forget about all of those mean things that Mr. Wolff said about you.

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But you can’t. Sometimes, when a grown-up says something bad, it hurts. It really hurts. And it’s hard to get it out of your head.

So what can you do? The first thing, my boy, is to stop watching so much television. They're talking 24/7 about Mr. Wolff now. It's too much.

Michael Wolff speaks at the Newseum in Washington on April 12, 2017.
Michael Wolff speaks at the Newseum in Washington on April 12, 2017. (Carolyn Kaster / AP)

And if you just hang around the White House, staring at that big bank of flat-screens, you’ll start thinking that TV is like the real world. But it's not. It’s just pretend.

On TV, everything is very simple. Someone sings a really good song and gets a prize. Someone else gives a flower to a girl and she marries him. And everyone is really trim and fit and beautiful.

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Speaking of trim and fit, we’re also afraid that you’re becoming something of a couch potato. It’s not good for your body. And you know you’ve got a doctor’s appointment this week at Walter Reed Hospital. Do you want the doctor to tell you that you’re not exercising enough? That you’re eating too much McDonald’s? That you should get off that phone of yours and get outside?

President Trump tells reporters that he is leaving the White House to visit troops at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center December 21, 2017 in Washington, DC.
President Trump tells reporters that he is leaving the White House to visit troops at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center December 21, 2017 in Washington, DC. (Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images)

And, while we’re on the subject of your phone — I know you really hate that subject, too — you need to stop tweeting. Just stop.

I know that’s easy for me to say because cellphones and social media didn’t exist when I was a kid. There was no Instagram, no Snapchat and definitely no Twitter. So you weren’t able to see what the whole world thought about you, all the time. When you know what people are thinking about you, it distracts you from what you really have to do. Especially your homework.

You have lots of assignments coming due soon, about North Korea and Iran and especially about health care. I know, it’s more complicated than you thought. But that’s all the more reason you have to hunker down and study.

I’ve talked to your teachers about this. Mr. Mnuchin and Mr. Tillerson and Mr. Cohn really want to help you. I know that they said some bad things about you, too, like “idiot” and “moron.” Definitely not nice. But if you don’t do any homework, what do you expect?

The last thing I want to discuss, Donald, are your imaginary friends. For the past few years, we’ve set special places at the dinner table for Crooked Hillary and Pocahontas and Rocket Man. We knew it made you happy.

Op-ed: President Trump should dump the alt-right along with Steve Bannon, both of which have been dragging him down, says Marc A. Thiessen.

But they’re not real, either. And the more you pretend, the harder it’s going to be to keep actual friends. Like, say, little Stevie Bannon.

I know you didn’t want me to mention him, either, because he also said some mean things about you to Mr. Wolff. And now you’re saying that you won’t be his friend any more, and that you won’t invite him to your birthday parties.

But I think you can patch things up with Stevie. Remember, he is really good at helping you make other friends. And if you lose him, the other friends might stop being friends with you.

Donald, you keep saying that you’re “very smart.” But even smart people have to listen to their parents, now and again; in your case, that’s the American people. We might not know everything. But we do know what’s good for you.

You can go to your room now. But leave your phone with us.

Jonathan Zimmerman (jlzimm@aol.com) teaches education and history at the University of Pennsylvania. He is the co-author of “The Case for Contention: Teaching Controversial Issues in American Schools.”

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