Soccer season is in full swing. This year both my son and my daughter are playing in youth leagues, and between practices and games, we're doing soccer five days a week.
I'm not complaining. Many have it worse, and I enjoy talking to other parents and watching my kids play.
Though I have to confess, sometimes as a parent stuck on the sideline, it's frustrating because I look up from my phone, and I can see what my kid should be doing; she should be running toward the goal and waiting for a pass. I'm not the angry sports parent, but there are times when I'm yelling my child's name over and over hoping to get her attention.
By the time you do, it's too late, because when they finally hear their name, they stop. The game is still going, but they've stopped and they're looking at you, like a dog, tilted head, "Did you just say treat?"
When they finally make out why you're waving your arms and yelling, what you're yelling is, "Never mind!"
The joke among the parents is that we need to learn the names of the other team's kids so we can freeze them up at critical game moments.
"Harper! Har-per!" and bam, we score a goal.
Not only does the yelling not work, it's a bit unseemly. Plus, nobody wants to seem like they're that angry sports parent, except maybe the angry sports parent. When they yell out their kid's name, their kid never looks to the sideline to see who's yelling at them. That kid knows. We all know.
You can tell how awkward it is by the way we all start noodling with our phones.
Please, phone, you're smart, make angry dad stop yelling, and make my kid get in position for the pass.
Wouldn't it be better if angry dad was just a voice in his son's ear rather than a voice we can all hear?
What if there was an app for that and we could get around this inefficient and demeaning system of yelling and just move them on our phones? With our phones we could tap into not only the latest technology but also the most up-to-date, accurate information about our children's development.
You want your young athlete to move closer to the goal? You want him to move over for the in-bounds pass? Want her to pay attention?
We'll call our app The Freedom.
The Freedom will allow me to use my phone to send a signal to The Freedom Collar hooked up to my child's "Central Nervous System" which encourages him to move to where he should be. Most children feel nothing, maybe a slight tingle, but some will say it feels like a kind but firm nudge in the other direction.
Your children learn from these nudges. They always have.
In study after study, we will find that children adapt with the Freedom Collar, learn to anticipate a nudge-type situation and self-correct. Your child actually becomes the athlete you want her to be, and as she learns to anticipate, you input fewer and fewer commands because she will know what to do.
Of course, the Freedom Collar doesn't have to just be for soccer.
Those slouchy shoulders? Give them a zap.
And getting them out of bed and ready for school has never been easier! Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap.
Once your children are hooked up to The Freedom, you'll never again have to experience the anxiety of losing them in a crowded mall or a playground. You'll know where they are. They're on your phone!
With just a few gentle Freedom nudges, you can even get them to come over to you. After a while, they will just know it's better that they do.
Some "people" will say, "What about 'freedom'?"
Well, you select "Freedom" from the menu and The Freedom app will allow you to choose the exact range of freedom your child needs at his or her developmental stage. In addition, you and your child will be able to choose from up to 12 different styles of Freedom Experience!
The Freedom eliminates uncertainty and provides expert advice. It's up to you to decide how much freedom you want your child to have.
No longer will we distract our children by yelling for their attention. We'll be right there in their heads where we belong.
Our children learn, and we are their teachers, and it will never be easier or more fun. Soon we'll all be on the sidelines quietly and attentively playing them like a new game on our phone, and they'll be, if not perfect, at least standing in the right spot.
Sean Hannigan is an English professor at Stevenson University. His email is hannigansean@hotmail.com.