Before the current Supreme Court session ends this summer, the justices will make a landmark decision on same-sex marriage. But conservatives shouldn't wait to lose in court. They should accept same-sex marriage now.
The trolls will say I'm not a real conservative; I'm a Marxist-liberal dressed as a conservative in a covert attempt to propagandize from the inside. But I am a conservative. I church on Sundays, shout along to talk radio in my pick-up truck and gripe about government spending. I know which color plastic worm to fish with when the lake is muddy, and I can tell what brand of smokeless someone is dipping by the smell. Come zombie-apocalypse time, I'm the type of fella you'll want on your side.
Most importantly, I've been voting for 17 years, and I've never checked a progressive box. Not one.
So, with a conservative resume like this, how can I possibly support same-sex marriage? Simple. The arguments against it are the type of anti-freedom fightin' words guys like me hate.
Argument 1: Same-sex marriage will make it easier for homosexual couples to adopt children.
Good! This shouldn't be an argument against same-sex marriage, it should be an argument for it. Do a Google image search for "Neil Patrick Harris and his kids." You'll see pictures of him, his husband and their smiling children, who were carried by a surrogate and conceived through artificial insemination using donor eggs. Halloween costumes, beach vacations and sleepy heads resting on daddy's shoulder (and other daddy's shoulder). A loving family. Every kid in the world should get to know this kind of love, but they don't. According to the U.S. Children's Bureau, 400,000 U.S. kids live in foster care. Every year, my wife and I donate duffel bags for these kids so they don't have to lug their few belongings from home to home in trash bags. I bet those kids wouldn't mind a couple shoulders to rest their heads on.
Argument 2: The Bible says homosexuality is a sin; it's right there in Leviticus.
When a self-righteous person quotes Leviticus as a reference on how folks should behave, all they're doing is showing they know nothing about Leviticus. I like to respond with, "Are you of the tribe of Levi? I'm only asking because you look so clean cut. Shouldn't you have about a foot and a half of hair hanging from your temples? And I can't help but notice your garment is woven with two kinds of thread. Isn't that a no-no?" Because even though Leviticus is full of good advice like, "You shall not hate any of your kindred in your heart," it is also full of gems like "When a woman has a flow of blood from her body, she shall be in a state of menstrual uncleanness for seven days. Anyone who touches her shall be unclean until evening."
Still insist on living the Levitical life? Then, don't forget to be persuaded to approve of President Barack Obama's executive action on immigration when he justifies it by quoting this from Leviticus, "When an alien resides with you in your land, do not mistreat such a one. You shall treat the alien who resides with you no differently than the natives born among you; you shall love the alien as yourself."
Argument 3: The Bible defines marriage as being between a man and a woman.
So what? Reality dictates definitions; definitions do not dictate reality.
Not only is it time for conservatives to accept same-sex marriage. It is time for conservatives to fight for same-sex marriage because there is a strong conservative argument for it.
Twitter, Facebook, talk radio, Fox News — everywhere a conservative voice can be found, it is bewailing the death of freedom in this country. But in this case, conservatives are freedom's killer.
I own a yellow flag with a striking rattlesnake on it that reads, "Don't Tread on Me." Conservatives gravitate toward this flag because it embodies the danger of infringing on the freedom of any American. It captures the attitude of our revolutionary founding fathers who responded to tyranny like that striking snake.
But if they made one that said "Don't Tread on Us," I'd buy that one instead because every freedom is worth protecting — even one you might not use yourself.
I am a conservative, but I don't want to wind up on the wrong side of history.
Eddie Zipperer is a playwright and adjunct professor of English at Georgia College. His email is firstname.lastname@example.org; Twitter: @EddieZipperer.