We are long past the era of the authoritarian parent who rules by fear, the martinet Captain von Trapp (pre-Maria) who blows the whistle and his children assemble in age order like sailors on deck. But we have shifted to the other extreme: the parent who gives the child freedom to choose, allows the child the choice of a multitude of options. The result is an unhappy child, an insecure child. Children shouldn't be given carte blanche to decide on activities, sweets, clothing — these are things the parents should decide and, with a kindly authority, enforce.
An unhappy 2 and a half year old is bundled into the van by her mother, who asks, "You don't want to go bye-bye? What do you want to do?" The child has no idea what she wants do. She's waiting for her mother to tell her.
A 6-year-old boy walks with his father on a cold, windy day, his head bare. I tell his young father, "He should have his hood up in this weather." (I am at the stage of life where I feel it is my public duty to advise young parents.) The father said to his son, "This lady says you should wear your hood." I interject, "It's not his decision. It's yours." I pass them, and when I look back, the boy is wearing his hood.
On another cold, windy day near a river, an 8-year-old boy refuses to wear his coat despite his mother's entreaties. As they try to cross the street, buffeted by winds, the boy can hardly keep his balance, refusing to hold his mother's hand and still without the coat. I say sharply, "Hold on to your son. It's windy. You're the mother. You decide, not him." The next day I see them again, and the mother is zipping the boy into his parka.
Another triumph for the decisive parent! I often see parents, good parents, who give excessive decision-making power to their children. They think this is good parenting, giving children choices, respecting their wishes. They are mistaken. Although their children appear to be from prosperous homes and seem to have every material advantage, they lack the security of parents who make decisions that the children are incapable of at their age. Or if the child does decide, it's unwisely and unsafely.
At a coffee shop, a 3 year old is offered an array of pastries behind a display case window, and her father asks which she'd like. The 3 year old has no idea which she'd like. That's a decision she shouldn't have to make, it only confuses her. Her father should pick what is appropriate. This gives a child security.
The child being bundled into the van may have been whining because she felt insecure; her mother, rather than tell her what they will be doing, which is what the child needs, is offering her the multiplicity of options that exist. This is too much choice for a small child. It upsets her that her mother may not know what to do, and is asking her, the child, to choose.
Sometimes I hear a parent tell a child to behave and append the inevitable, "OK?" This is asking permission of the child, adding a weakener to the direction to behave. Behaving properly in public is not an option, it is a requirement. The mother should not be asking the child whether he wants to behave. The "OK?" destroys whatever authority the parent was trying to exercise.
Children need kindness and a loving parent, and the best way to love your child is to give clear and non-negotiable directions. To take the reins, to be the parent. Some choice is appropriate — your child, depending on age, can decide what color sweater he wants to wear. But he can't decide not to wear a sweater. That's your decision. You're the parent. He is not the decision-maker in the home, you are. Give your child the gift of security. Make decisions, give directions — and leave off the "OK?"
Eileen Pollock has written for the Washington Times and the Metropolitan Diary section of the New York Times. Her e-mail is eileenpollock@gmail.com.