Trump's Cabinet meeting praise-fest needs work

Donald Trump is an amazing president — probably the best, I'd say — and he did a remarkably brilliant thing, something I fear may have gone unnoticed because everyone was distracted by fake news and activist judges and lies and losers and whatnot.

It happened during the president's Cabinet meeting Monday. With the dishonest fake news media present, Trump smartly went around the table and had each member of his Cabinet say something about how incredibly great Donald Trump is at being president.

It was quite a spectacle, roughly 10 minutes of basting Trump in adulation, all broadcast live.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said: "It was a great honor traveling with you around the country for the last year and an even greater honor to be here serving on your Cabinet."

Vice President Mike Pence extolled: "It is just the greatest privilege of my life is to serve … as vice president to the president who's keeping his word to the American people and assembling a team that's bringing real change, real prosperity, real strength back to our nation."

And White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus got downright biblical: "On behalf of the entire senior staff around you, Mr. President, we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you've given us to serve your agenda and the American people."

All fantastic, truly spot-on and authentic comments. And yet, they're still not good enough.

The following day, Gallup's daily presidential poll showed Trump had scored a new high of 60 percent disapproval, with only 36 percent approving of him.

How is that possible? His approval rating in that Cabinet meeting was right where it should be, around 125 percent.

I have yet to see Trump do anything wrong — ever, in history — so clearly the people around him are not praising the president with sufficient effusiveness. They need to step up their lionization game so their appreciation for Trump's awesomeness trickles down to regular Americans.

Normally, a lickspittle could just sell his or her soul to Satan in exchange for a supernatural knack for flattery. But Trump's Cabinet members have no souls left to barter with, so they're stuck.

Or at least they were stuck until I came along. Having received a doctorate in Superlative Studies from the highly regarded North American Institute of Eminent Excellence, I am uniquely (and handsomely) qualified to train the president's Cabinet and staff in the art of exaltation.

Let's begin with titles.

Referring to Trump simply as "President Trump" fails to capture his stature. Here are some more appropriate honorifics:

• President God-Trump

• Infinite Overseer of all Things

• President-Supreme Donald Trump in Excelsis

• Healer of Nations

• Broad-Shouldered Power Man

• All-High Potentate

• His Most Royal and Virile King Among Kings

• Magnus Trump, Slayer of Haters

You get the idea. Amp that title up to something more befitting a man of such nobility and the American people will follow.

Next, rather than using simple, clunky praise to highlight Trump's many fine qualities and characteristics, consider reciting epic poems that detail the president's heroic deeds and conquests.

Something along the lines of this:

"Tell me, O muse, of that ingenious hero who traveled far and wide after he had sacked the famous crook named Hillary. Many cities did he, the Trump king, visit, and many hats did he hand out to the adoring masses who chanted his name. And he spake, and quickly they hearkened to his words. He saw the townlands and learned the minds of many distant men, and weathered many bitter nights and days. And America he did make great again."

(When deciding whether to write your heroic Trump narrative in dactylic hexameter or iambic pentameter, refer to recent polling to make sure you latch onto the hottest meter of the day.)

Lastly, all praise of President Trump should be fittingly robust. Something like "thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you've given us to serve your agenda" is fine, but it lacks the oomph deserved by a man who has others go around a table praising him.

A more appropriate line might be: "Thank you, President-Supreme Donald Trump in Excelsis, for the humbling opportunity — of which I'm certainly not worthy, given your greatness — and the mighty blessing from the only being more powerful than you — and many say you're gaining on Him! — that has allowed us, your faithful and unworthy servants, a chance to implement your brilliant and faultless agenda, which is the best agenda any president has ever come up with, no other president has even been close, agenda-wise. Trump be praised."

Follow these simple steps and the next time All-High Potentate Trump the Hater-Slayer bestows upon you an opportunity to praise him on live television, you won't make such a fool of yourself.

It's pretty easy once you get the hang of the language and adapt to completely abdicating any sense of self-respect or decency.

All hail Trump!

Or else.

rhuppke@chicagotribune.com

Twitter @RexHuppke

Copyright © 2019, The Baltimore Sun, a Baltimore Sun Media Group publication | Place an Ad
90°