Things I don't plan to read

I'm not going to read …

Any post with a headline or teaser that includes "You won't believe what happened next." Likely, I won't.


Any site that sports white-on-black reverse body type. Or pretty much any gimmicky reverse type that subordinates readability to the designer's whim.

Any text that still hasn't told me what it's about six paragraphs in.

Any piece of email filled with all-caps passages.

Any piece of email laden with scriptural proof texts.

Any article or email about Barack Obama's secret Muslim, Communist, atheist, Illuminati schemes.

Any article warning about the biased liberal media's sinister plots while simultaneously crowing about the decline of newspaper readership.

Any post maintaining that the Confederate states' secession was not primarily about slavery, or that the Confederate battle flag represents history and valor and has nothing to do with white supremacy.

Any post about the Kardashians, Sarah Palin, Justin Bieber, or other celebrities to be named later.

Any listicle that barrages me with pop-up ads.

Any listicle that takes more than ten seconds to load.

Any listicle.