On the menu: Things I’d like to see, things I’d like to hear, things I’d like to do. But first, a few things I’d like to know:
The exact time and place that a human being first looked at a Chesapeake Bay blue crab and decided it might be good to eat.
If Ravens kicker and Royal Farms TV pitchman Justin Tucker ever once drank, from top to bottom, a large Mountain Dew Blue Shock Slushee.
If Dutch Ruppersberger misses Facebook yet.
Why Louis “The Disaster” DeJoy is still U.S. Postmaster General. Can we move on please?
The identity of the person in charge of lawyer Barry Glazer’s wardrobe for his most recent TV commercial. He looks as if he just came from a Hawaiian rodeo, and none too happy about it.
If the best cup of coffee in Baltimore is still served at Cafe Poupon on Charles Street. Time to find out.
When advances in digital technology will end so I can buy a camera that won’t be outdated an hour after purchase.
Why anyone, assuming they indulge in soft drinks at all, would drink Diet Coke when they could drink Coke Zero, the latter tasting so much better, if you ask me, which you didn’t, but there it is.
Why, tempting as it might be, Maryland Democrats would support a new congressional district map that makes it impossible for a Republican to continue to win at least one of the state’s eight seats in the House. (Actually, scratch that. I totally know why. His name is Andy Harris.)
Why Amazon Studios and Benedict Cumberbatch felt “The Electrical Life of Louis Wain” deserved to be made into a movie. It’s the first British thing I regretted watching. (See below, under “Things I’d like to see,” for much better script ideas.)
Things I’d like to see:
A statewide ban on the use of leaf blowers one day per week, with the city and all 23 counties having the choice to designate their day for blessed relief from the most annoying and unnecessary sound in the biosphere.
Some of the American Rescue Plan millions coming into Baltimore earmarked for the establishment of a full-time graffiti eradication patrol. In case City Hall hadn’t noticed, graffiti is out of control and it mars some of the city’s finest, old buildings.
A revival of the Baltimore City Fair at the Inner Harbor, with neighborhood booths, amusement rides, food trucks, local bands and buskers, a Stoop Storytelling stage, dragon boat races, a John Harbaugh look-alike contest and a sweet potato pie competition.
The Orioles signing a new long-term lease at Camden Yards by June, with a big ceremony at second base followed by fireworks and a concert by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts.
The Ravens scoring touchdowns on their first three drives, locking up a game, any game, by half time. Is that asking too much?
The 311-pound Ravens fullback, Patrick Ricard, running with the ball far more often than he’s been allowed. Release the beast!
More tall ship events at the Inner Harbor. Nothing brings people to Baltimore like the presence of 20 or more topsail schooners, brigantines and barques from all over the world, with tours during the day, parties and gatherings at night, all ships aglow. What’s not to like?
I’d also like to see:
A butcher in the new Lexington Market who knows the right cut for an authentic porchetta.
The owner of the treeless land between Tracey’s Mill Road and Lineboro Road, in Carroll County, planting some trees. If you contact the state forestry authorities, I’ll bet you can get help paying for willows and maples along the wholly exposed creek that flows through your golf course-like property. That’s the South Branch of the Gunpowder Falls, part of the Baltimore region’s municipal water supply. It deserves a lovely, leafy canopy.
A really good movie about the political and racial divisions in Baltimore during the Civil War.
Even better: A film about sisters Rachel and Elizabeth Parker, who, despite having been born free, were kidnapped out of Pennsylvania in 1851 by a notorious fugitive slave catcher from Maryland. The Parkers were freed, however, when a posse of Quaker abolitionists demanded their release in a Baltimore court.
A musical comedy based on the Pep Boys — Manny, Moe and Jack.
The production and release, at long last, of John Waters’ Christmas adventure film, “Fruitcake.” He once described it as “Little Rascals on acid.”
Things I’d like to do:
Rent the third floor of a Baltimore rowhouse with a turret corner and spend a week up there reading Whitman’s “Leaves of Grass.”
Hike the Appalachian Trail to Annapolis Rock after a snowfall.
Attend the annual memorial illumination at Antietam National Battlefield. (It’s the evening of Saturday, Dec. 4.)
Watch Gerard Billebault make his buche du noel — that’s “yule log” to youse guys — at Bonjour French Bakery.
Things I’d like to hear:
The Tedeschi Trucks band playing the Meyerhoff.
The Portuguese fado singer Mariza playing the Hippodrome.
All 2022 candidates for Maryland governor required to sing a Dylan song in a karaoke night at Rams Head, Annapolis.
A recorded warning for students of Johns Hopkins University as they stand ready to cross North Charles Street near the Homewood campus: “Look up! Traffic is approaching! Look up! Look up from your damn phones!”
Silence — that is, the furnace not running for another month, and no leaf blowers for the rest of my life.