We left you last year with a plea for peace
Hoping beyond hope for calm on our streets
Cops say crime's dropping at a steady pace
City officials ask, did you find your "happy place?"
Baltimore's top cop Bealefeld certainly found his
A new prosecutor to help fight the crime biz
The commish put a campaign sign in front of his house
Now he's finally got his dream crime-fighting spouse.
Jessamy claimed to be "tough and smart on crime"
Voters saw her as too timid and ended her time
The image of criminals mimicking the Wild West
Helped Bernstein with his slogan of being Eliot Ness.
But now Bealefeld and Bernstein must get along
And end the bickering that has gone on too long
Cops and prosecutors, on the same side
To save a battered city and restore civic pride.
Last year murder dropped to historic lows
A hard to act to follow in a city of blows
Nine people killed one weekend this summer
A Memorial Day massacre from which hard to recover.
A slew of servicemen slain not in battles overseas
But on our very own streets, where blood runs with ease
One gunned down in a hookah bar; another by a cop
Victim groped a woman; that's enough to get popped.
A Hopkins researcher stabbed as he walked home
In Charles Village, with his mother on the phone
The killing drew outrage, the suspects were "hunting to rob"
It conjured up images of a callous Baltimore mob.
The suspects were free despite previous crimes
Which in Baltimore seems to happen all of the time
Bernstein screamed — Stephen Pitcairn shouldn't have died
Had Jessamy done her job, he said, he "might still be alive."
An elderly guard shot got plenty of fodder
For a robbery that netted just thirteen dollars
A church caretaker killed while out on a break
An off-duty cop slain for a parking space.
A girl just 14 and armed with a gun
Held up a man who refused to succumb
He laughed instead at her childish mug
Police say she shot him for being so smug.
"Pulled over for my tints" the Ravens' Ray Rice tweeted
In the dark-windowed Range Rover in which he was seated
But out in the county, the police don't want your dough
Rice said: "Gave the officer an autograph … and he let me go."
Even cockroaches aren't safe here anymore
Someone stole one right from a store
It was of the Madagascar hissing variety
Nothing's too low for crooks in Charm City.
Cops and firefighters fought over their pensions
Argued staffing too short to give the city protection
Two four-alarm fires ripped through vacants on a block
We needed help from D.C. to get the fire knocked.
Then came fires in Mount Vernon and The Block
Strippers racing for safety wearing only their socks
Yellow booth No. 8 is where the fire broke out
The clubs soon reopened; was there ever a doubt?
Critics again challenged the city's crime numbers
And on rape reports, the cops did blunder
Victims pressured to recant or told they were lying
With new reviews, number of rapes are now skying.
For a moment, Baltimore claimed a top prize for the nation
Mobtown topped Motor City as the murder capital designation
But Detroit tried to cheat by hiding 33 of its killings
And Baltimore was left with a No. 2 billing.
And so we celebrate yet another holiday season
And for those of you left, be happy you're breathing
Stay snug under cover and tight in your beds
With visions of gunmen dancing in your heads.
Not all is bad in the crime-weary city
We have a new slogan to keep us all giddy
A PR campaign brought us a smiley face
It quickly became, "Find your trigger-happy place."