To attract the largest possible pool of vice presidential wannabes, Sens. John McCain, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have placed their profiles on the Internet dating sites, swinging(state)singles.com, strangebedfellows.gov and tilltermlimitsdouspart.org. The Democratic hopefuls have also registered on elite(running)mate.com, a site for superdelegates.
About me: SWM sugar daddy looking for youthful, 35+ (but looks 25) male/female, for four- to eight-year relationship. I have eclectic musical tastes: everything from "Battle Hymn of the Republic" to "Anchors Aweigh" to taps. Passion for bus travel! My favorite vacation spots are Florida, Ohio and Pennsylvania. Please look like the photo on your campaign button.
Perfect first date: We exchange war stories and memories of the Great Depression. Your ribs hurt from laughing at my Iran jokes.
Learned from past relationships: Speaking your mind (yelling and screaming) is key.
Looking for: Prefer conservative Republican, but have dated disgruntled Democrat rejected by party base. Am open to multicultural relationship, if right demographic fit. No cat people.
About me: Wonkish SWF with thing for articulate, charismatic men. I'm an independent gal who can tell a good story.
Perfect first date: We whisper policy proposals in each other's ears. I convince you about the necessity of health insurance mandates, and you promise me your delegates.
Learned from past relationships: Trust is overrated. Important that each partner brings something to the relationship - like millions of dollars they can lend your campaign, as penance.
Looking for: Thin, tall SBM who knows that love means waiting your turn. Must be open to threesome with puffy-eyed WM.
About me: SBM from diverse background. I consider myself a glass-half-full type of guy. In my spare time I like writing, and I have just taken up bowling. Smoker trying to quit.
Perfect first date: Our eyes meet, your pulse quickens and your knees feel weak. We spend the evening talking about our hopes and dreams.
Learned from past relationships: Must not fear talking about your differences. I have learned that it is important to date all types of people, even if you don't like them.
Looking for: Experienced male/female. I get along best with Democratic governors but would consider hooking up with an independent who has lots of money to spend on campaign. Bonus points if you give Salsa lessons. Pushy, entitled types a big turnoff. Please, no surprises (like YouTube video of you attending a "Free Mumia" rally).
Ben Krull is an essayist and attorney. His e-mail is email@example.com.