Where do they find the time? My colleagues here and elsewhere undoubtedly have the talent, but I'm most amazed that they can carve out the time to write thoughtful, revealing sports biographies.
A decent-sized sports biography is going to run about 80,000 words - that's about 79,250 words longer than a typical newspaper column. It's just not fathomable to me how they find the time to research and construct thoughtful prose in a big, beautiful 80,000-word package.
Luckily, I no longer have to worry about that. I just purchased a book called Not Quite What I Was Planning, from the editors of SMITH magazine. It's a collection of six-word memoirs. The book is a minimalist attack on the written word, and the entries range from the thoughtful ("Cursed with cancer. Blessed by friends") to the shrink-on-speed dial, crushed-Prozac-in-breakfast-cereal weird ("I was a Michael Jackson impersonator").
Six words? Are you kidding me? I've been interviewing athletes and coaches my entire adult life and several didn't have six words of depth to them. Could this be the perfect marriage of subject and style?
After hours of careful analysis, number-crunching and highly complex mathematical calculations, one important statistical truth bolstered my dreams of becoming a sports biographer: six. 80,000.
In fact, I was so encouraged, that I pounded out more than three dozen sports biographies in a single afternoon. Cover art, copyright and publisher are still pending, but here's a sneak preview of your favorite sports figures, condensed into bite-sized, six-word snippets:
John Harbaugh, new Ravens boss: Head coach; not my brother's brother.
Peter Angelos, Orioles owner: Beat asbestos. Lost to everyone else.
Rafael Palmeiro, former Oriole: Never used steroids. Period? Question mark.
Gary Williams, Maryland men's basketball coach: Player, coach - sweat. Championship - no sweat.
Peyton Manning, Colts quarterback: Please buy (your company's product here).
Michael Phelps, Olympic swimmer: Fish out of water. Torpedo in.
Cal Ripken Jr., Orioles Hall of Famer: Next life, taking a day off.
Miguel Tejada, former Orioles shortstop: Hit it. Fielded it. Injected it.
Roger Clemens, embattled pitcher: From Cy Young to bloody pants.
Brian McNamee, embattled trainer: Paid price for injecting Rocket fuel.
Gene Upshaw, NFL union head: Former player who hated former players.
Aubrey Huff, Orioles designated hitter: Traveled country. Enjoyed TV in hotel.
Brian Billick, former Ravens coach: Thin line - smartest man/unemployed man.
George Steinbrenner, Yankees owner: Cash plugs the biggest of leaks.
Greivis Vasquez, Maryland men's basketball player: Played like Red Bull commercial audition.
Robert Irsay, former Colts owner: What drinking couldn't solve, foolhardiness did.
Ralph Friedgen, Maryland football coach: Must protect this house! Or not.
Steve McNair, Ravens quarterback: Remember the Titans? Better than Ravens.
Andy MacPhail, Orioles president: In Baltimore, exorcism first, then miracle.
Bud Selig, baseball commissioner: Cash flowed with head in sand.
Erik Bedard, former Orioles pitcher: No comment. No comment. No comment.
Ray Lewis, Ravens linebacker: Verdict - guilty (of terrorizing opposing offenses).
Kyle Boller, Ravens quarterback: Big expectations. Big disappointment. Still pretty.
Brenda Frese, Maryland women's basketball coach: Delivered national title, and later twins.
Bill Belichick, Patriots coach: Won games; legacy preserved on video.
Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner: Lifted rug, swept. "It's all good."
Kimmie Meissner, figure skater: Spin, win. Spin, fall. Change coach.
Carmelo Anthony, Denver Nuggets All-Star: Streets taught toughness; basketball showcased it.
Dick Vitale, ESPN announcer: Life of exclamation points. And Duke.
Steve Bisciotti, Ravens owner: Hindsight - fantasy sports, cheaper and easier.
Barbaro, Kentucky Derby winner: Champion who accumulated many gift baskets.
Barry Bonds, former Giants slugger: Hit homers* and bought bigger hats.
Debbie Yow, Maryland athletic director: After coaching, replaced deficit with championships.
Dave Trembley, Orioles manager: Short memory essential to long life.
Johnny Unitas, former Colts quarterback: Sorry, Brady, Manning. Still the Greatest.
Brooks Robinson, former Orioles third baseman: Silver slugger. Golden glove. Platinum legacy.
rick.maese@baltsun.com