This Valentine's Day, don't say it with flowers and candy. You might be misunderstood.

Say it with a movie, instead. The words you are fumbling for can probably be found in the dialogue on that DVD.

"Movies are a good way to send a message," says Beverly West, co-author of a series of books on "cinematherapy," finding happiness, love and fulfillment, one movie at a time.

Just figure out your romantic category - a new love to impress, an old love to jump-start, a celebration of your newly single status - rent a movie that fits, and let the pros do the talking.

"Movies are a powerful tool," said West.

She has put together a list of movie titles just in time for Valentine's Day, and Netflix has posted them on netflix.com/valentines in a holiday marketing partnership.

Trying to let your new leading lady know that you are a sensitive guy? How about Chocolat, Love Actually or (for the older couples) Something's Gotta Give?

"These are all movies about guys behaving the way women wish they would," said West. "The ones with messages that women want to believe are true - like guys realizing the error of their ways."

Want to light a fire in your husband of too many years? Heat things up with Body Heat, Mr. & Mrs. Smith or Like Water for Chocolate.

Valentine's Day is a big day for popping the question. If your guy isn't getting off the dime, rent High Fidelity or Garden State.

"These movies encourage the relationship-phobic among us to break down and pop the question," said West, "because they are all about guys whose lives fall apart until they marry the girl of their dreams."

This whole idea of using movies to break up emotional logjams has found some footing among talk therapists.

"It can be helpful," said West, whose mother is a psychiatrist. "You can use movies to see your own problems. Watch someone else on the movie screen going through something and apply the lessons the character learns to us."

West wrote her first book on cinematherapy when she was going through a divorce and found that watching Born Free gave her an excuse to cry herself out.

"You wouldn't watch Terms of Endearment before you go for your mammogram," she said. "And you wouldn't watch Ever After just after a big breakup."

But there are lessons up there on the silver screen we are more likely to heed because Bill Murray is learning it the hard way in Groundhog Day.

If Valentine's Day is a family day, West has movies for you, too. Shrek, Titanic, Happy Feet and the 1997 version of Cinderella starring Brandy and Whitney Houston.

"I wouldn't watch Moulin Rouge! where love means falling from a trapeze with lung cancer," she said. "But there are romantic lessons in these movies that the whole family can take in.

"Like Shrek. Princesses are not always beautiful and sometimes your handsome prince can be a green ogre."

Even those who are newly single can find comfort on Valentine's Day with a rented movie: Under the Tuscan Sun, Muriel's Wedding, Never Been Kissed.

"They teach us that the road to love is not always outward. The road to love is inward," said West.

Sometimes movies are perfect when talking is too hard. But sometimes, a movie can offer us a vision of romance as pure as it is unattainable: Princess Bride. Sleepless in Seattle. When Harry Met Sally. Casablanca.

Said West: "Prime, Grade-A schmaltz that reminds us why we get into this crazy thing called love in the first place."

susan.reimer@baltsun.com