Let's begin by saying that when it comes to chocolate, I have been around the block a few times and am pretty much considered the last word on the subject now.
That's because I just served as a celebrity judge at this year's Chocolate Affair at M&T; Bank Stadium, which shows you how much the term celebrity has been devalued in this country.
Anyway, the Chocolate Affair is the annual fundraiser for Health Care for the Homeless, during which they roll out all these wonderful concoctions from Baltimore chocolatiers, restaurants and caterers, and some 1,500 people stand around stuffing their faces and feeling their cholesterol levels shoot through the roof.
But if I don't drop dead by tomorrow, it was worth it.
And it'll be worth it to you, too, because after I kill some time here, I'm going to recommend a couple of terrific chocolates that you can give your significant other on Valentine's Day, providing the relationship is still salvageable and you haven't screwed things up too much.
First of all, let me say that when someone asks you to be a judge at a chocolate gala, your first instinct will never be to say: "Sorry, I'm busy that night."
Another thing I discovered is that there's no such thing as a bad chocolate product. You may like some better than others, but at no point will you taste one, make a face and say: "Eww, how could anyone eat that?!"
Instead, you're more likely to say: "Here's the keys to my car. I'll trade it for 2 pounds of your chocolate."
This isn't cauliflower we're talking about here, people.
This is chocolate. The food of the gods.
Anyway, upon arriving at the affair, I fell in with two other judges, longtime radio personality Steve Rouse and veteran WJZ-TV reporter Ron Matz. And it quickly became apparent this wasn't like hanging with a couple of chocolate gourmands.
We wandered from booth to booth sampling foods -- there are lots of nonchocolate foods there, too, so you don't OD on the stuff and start vibrating like a gong. And no matter what we tasted, we'd start nodding like bobbleheads and murmuring: "This is delicious ... this is delicious."
Then after all the nodding and murmuring, we'd write notes on our score sheets to make it seem like we were actually working, which of course was a total scam.
At one point, after a couple of samples each of the Taharka Brothers' fabulous chocolate ice cream drenched in Jack Daniel's, I thought we'd have to check into rehab.
All told, you could sample the signature dishes of some 56 vendors. But with the crowds, you needed the kind of muscle that clears the way for the Rolling Stones to get near some of the booths.
Still, about midway through the evening, in the most crowded part of the room, I hit the Tastebud Trifecta.
First it was a stop at the Hotel Hershey booth -- yes, of chocolate-empire fame -- where executive chef Ken Gladysz was pushing an appetizer he called "Hershey cocoa-and-nacho-peppers-rub tenderloin, southwest slaw and white chocolate guacamole."
"No Triscuits with Cheez Whiz?" I said, acting disappointed. But I don't think he heard me.
From there it was on to the Baltimore Tremont Suite Hotels booth and a couple of helpings of dark-cocoa-dusted quail bresaola saltimbocca. (Chocolate-covered quail -- is this a great country or what?!)
And that was topped off with a Grey Goose kumquat gelato chocolate bomb. And by now I was feeling a desperate need to get outside for recess, so I could run off the sugar high.
Other judges were dealing with their own chocolate-related issues, which was evident when I ran into Chris Emry, the great morning guy on 100.7 the Bay, the classic-rock radio station.
Emry and his 15-year-old son, Christopher, had visited the booth of Gertrude's at the Baltimore Museum of Art and were especially taken with the chocolate whatever-it-was they sampled.
"It was nice and fluffy .... actually, I licked the wrapper," Emry confessed.
Licked the wrapper? But there was no way I was going to be judgmental, seeing as how I was still hopped up and about this close to sprinting around in circles like a crazed Chihuahua.
Oh, it was a chocolate orgy, all right, and we indulged shamelessly.
But of course, the whole time, I was thinking of you, the reader, because that's the kind of person I am.
If you plan to give chocolate to a loved one this Valentine's Day, the best I tasted were the grande truffles from Naron Mary Sue Candies and the amaretto truffles on a pretzel covered with milk chocolate from Moore's Candies.
Both are from Baltimore companies, and both may be of comfort to you and your lover during this troubled time in your relationship.
If it's even worth saving, at this point.
kevin.cowherd@baltsun.com