So you're hunkered down at a bar, watching this game or that on one of the 20 televisions. Lo and behold, one of the national or local sportscasters you're accustomed to watching plops down on the stool right next to you. Here's how it might go:
Chris Berman: He shouts out a nickname for every other player who appears in close-up on a TV. Watching a guy chatting up a woman at the end of the bar, he intones: "He ... could ... go ... all ... the ... way." He complains there aren't enough oldies in the jukebox.
Mark Viviano: He engages you in a reasoned discussion of several sports issues and seems to listen to your points before making his own. But that guy who comes in with him keeps getting into arguments with other bar patrons.
Michele Tafoya: She interjects salient commentary on the game, pausing to dump a beer in the lap of a guy who tries hitting on her.
Mike Patrick: He won't stop asking the bartender to turn one of the TVs to an E! channel special on Britney Spears.
Brent Musburger: He's a generally pleasant companion, except he continually talks about how these are some of the greatest pretzels and peanuts ever served.
Tom Davis: The best thing is how he laughs uproariously at any joke you tell.
Lee Corso: He annoys several patrons by spilling their drinks when he takes off a giant mascot head and puts it on the bar.
Jim Hunter: He appears to have trouble negotiating the room, tripping over chair legs and customers' feet. It could be from the rose-colored glasses he's wearing.
Drew Forrester, Bob Haynie and Rob Long: You're having a stimulating conversation, but then the sun goes down and you can't hear them.
Mike Greenberg: Before sitting down, he sprays disinfectant on the stool and wipes it off.
Keith Olbermann: He corrects every mistake made by the sportscasters calling the game on TV.
John Madden: All is going well until someone asks him whether he's Frank Caliendo.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled weekly sports media notes:
You probably hadn't heard of Kelly Tilghman before this week, when she was suspended for two weeks by the Golf Channel for her jaw-droppingly offensive "joke" about how other young players should "lynch" Tiger Woods in order to have a chance at becoming the world's No. 1 player. And her lack of prominence likely is why she was only suspended and not fired. A more well-known personality would have received more attention and probably been shown the door.
The line on Sunday's New York Giants-Dallas Cowboys game is at 6 1/2 . That's the line - as set by online oddsmaker Bodog - for the number of times Fox broadcasters will mention Jessica Simpson, gal pal of Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. And if you're trying to get a bet down, that number includes only the game telecast itself, not pre- or post-game or halftime.
Tony Kornheiser returns to his Washington radio show Jan. 21 on WWWT (1500 AM, 107.7 FM) and XM Satellite Radio Channel 144, weekdays 8 to 10 a.m.
College football's championship game performed under the national rating of 14.0 in Baltimore, getting an 11.4 on Fox's WBFF/Channel 45.
How big is Monday's Maryland-Duke women's basketball game? It's a Big Monday game on ESPN2 (7 p.m.), with the announcing crew of Mark Jones, Rebecca Lobo and Carolyn Peck.