News item: Track star Marion Jones has pleaded guilty to federal charges related to the BALCO steroid scandal and admitted to using performance-enhancing drugs before winning three gold medals at the 2000 Sydney Olympics.
My take: My gosh. Am I the only one who got this perfectly cut, 240-pound body without the use of some prohibited substance?
News item: Orioles vice president of baseball operations Jim Duquette resigned Friday. His departure is widely viewed as the first step in a major front office realignment.
My take: That's the idea. Andy MacPhail was brought in to change the culture in the warehouse, though it won't make any difference if the culture doesn't change in the law office.
News item: Three former Duke lacrosse players have filed suit against the city of Durham, N.C., defrocked prosecutor Mike Nifong and the police detectives who investigated the discredited rape case against them. The suit comes after the families of the three athletes sought a $30 million settlement.
My take: Hmmm. Have a sleazy party. Hire a bunch of strippers. Get falsely accused of rape. Sue for $30 million and probably win. What a country.
News item: Superstar Alex Rodriguez is 0-for-6 with three strikeouts in the first two games of the Division Series between the New York Yankees and Cleveland Indians. The Indians lead the best-of-five series 2-0.
My take: The way things are going, he might have to settle for only $28 million per year when he opts out of his contract and becomes a free agent next month.
News item: The Pittsburgh Pirates fired manager Jim Tracy as part of a major organizational shuffle. He was 135-189 in two seasons with the perennial National League Central doormat.
My take: The Bucs just completed their 15th consecutive losing season, which makes them the only team capable of making Orioles fans count their blessings.
News item: Manny Ramirez hit a walk-off homer to give the Boston Red Sox a 2-0 lead in their Division Series against the Los Angeles Angels.
My take: The TV people always want the Red Sox to play the Yankees in the American League Championship Series, but the Indians just might be bound for glory.
News item: Denver Broncos tailback Travis Henry apparently will play against the San Diego Chargers today while facing a possible one-year suspension for a second positive drug violation.
My take: No surprise there. Everybody wants to play against the Chargers right now.
News item: The NFL Players Association argued during an arbitration hearing Thursday that the NFL collective bargaining agreement prevents the Atlanta Falcons from recovering $16 million in bonus money paid to disgraced quarterback Michael Vick.
My take: The arbitrator is scheduled to make his ruling by Friday. I'm rooting for the Falcons - and so are 200 other dog-lovers.
News item: Basketball star LeBron James ruffled some feathers in Cleveland when he showed up for Game 1 of the Division Series at Jacobs Field wearing a Yankees cap.
My take: What's the big deal? Just about everybody who shows up at Camden Yards for a Yankees game does the same thing.
News item: Former St. Louis Cardinals general manager Walt Jocketty already has gotten job offers after being fired Wednesday.
My take: And why not? I could have sworn his team won the World Series last year.
News item: The Big Ten ruled that Michigan will not have to forfeit any games for using an ineligible freshman player.
My take: However, in an amazing display of good sportsmanship, the Wolverines graciously offered to replay their season-opening game against Appalachian State.
Listen to Peter Schmuck on WBAL (1090 AM) at noon on Saturdays and Sundays.