A few months back, I became president of my neighborhood association, which almost sounds impressive. In reality, I was vice president and trying to quit when the president beat me to it. Believe me that I had no ambition to run an organization representing 1,900 households.
My association is the South Baltimore Improvement Committee, and my neighborhood is South Baltimore, "the neighborhood no one bothered to name." Naturally, people often confuse us with the broader city region below Pratt Street. Even Baltimore's official map identifies our community only as "SBIC," which sounds like a bank. Although politicians and city services often overlook us, we anchor the base of the Locust Point peninsula ("Baltimore's uvula") and are nestled among leafy Federal Hill, grassy Riverside, redundant Federal Hill South, gritty Sharp-Leadenhall, and the smelly Interstate 95/CSX nexus.
South Baltimore has one major park, Swann Park. Yes, the one with the arsenic. Our library branch is actually in the neighborhood of Federal Hill South. We do have an excellent public elementary school, but even that is really in Riverside. (We like Riverside, though, because they let us use their pool.) We have a variety of churches and barbershops but even more bars. In fact, we may have more bars than any neighborhood in Baltimore - or anywhere in Maryland. Our borders include much of the Federal Hill entertainment district, which sometimes resembles Bourbon Street, minus the order and tranquillity.
Although the "authorities" could not locate South Baltimore with MapQuest, every weekend, suburban twentysomethings find our scarce parking irresistible, our container gardens vulnerable, and our doorways perfect for vomit and other deposits. We are a prime destination for the young, drunk and disaffected.
Do not get me wrong; I love South Baltimore, which is like an endearingly eccentric character in a movie. We have a great location, nearby amenities, some wonderfully off-kilter people, and - well - Baltimore's climate.
That said, I now want to report some recent events and make an important declaration that will benefit my neighbors and improve America.
The SBIC lately has faced hard luck with government regulatory boards. While we do not discourage development, we reject plans that tend to benefit suburban businesspeople to the detriment of folks who live here. If you want to expand a bar, great, but let's ensure that it does not become Hammerjacks South. If you want to build some new condos, good luck, but please have the decency to let residents review your plans to determine whether they fit the scale, scope and style of our neighborhood (fin-de-si?cle rowhome).
The various hearing boards see things differently.
We show up with letters, petitions, witnesses and arguments, and the boards ignore us and our lawyers and endorse outsiders' plans. The contempt for the community is obvious.
We keep losing hearings, so how can we protect ourselves? The city ignores us, and the state does not even know we exist. Even the maps that accompany Sun stories leave our name blank, and cabdrivers will only take us home if we utter the magic words: "Just south of Federal Hill." We need the freedom to decide our own destiny and to make our mark.
Therefore, I hereby declare South Baltimore a state separate from the state of Maryland and the city of Baltimore. On the American flag, we will be the 51st star, an appropriately quirky number.
Now, I know what you are thinking, so let me allay your concerns. Yes, the 51st star should be reserved for the District of Columbia. But, deserving as D.C. may be, South Baltimore has a much better chance of becoming a state in the current political climate.
Forming a new state out of a single city neighborhood may seem ambitious, but hey, Annapolis has the sovereign Maritime Republic of Eastport, doesn't it? And all I'm talking about is a separate state, not a separate nation.
A new state needs a new name, and I suggest "SoCro" for "South of Cross Street," our northern border.
As the acting governor of the newly declared great State of SoCro, I would like to announce our first elections in the fall. My name will not be on the ballot, though. A state of 1,900 households is too much responsibility.
Jim Salvucci teaches English at Villa Julie College. His e-mail is jsalvucci@believewireless.net.