Flipping through calendar, and Billick's growing duties

The Baltimore Sun

Today: Ravens report to Best Western Motel in Westminster for the opening of training camp. Surprised to find all Baltimore sports fans have left the state.

Tomorrow: Billick confirms that he again will call all the offensive plays this year ... and vows to be less conservative. To prove it, he endorses a single-payer health care system.

Tuesday: When it becomes obvious the Orioles will do nothing at baseball's trade deadline, the Ravens announce that they have traded pending free agent Terrell Suggs to the Texas Rangers for Mark Teixeira.

Friday: Billick, unhappy with the tenor of the media coverage coming out of camp, announces that he will assume the duties of public relations vice president Kevin Byrne and write all of the team's news releases.

Saturday: Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder attends scrimmage against Ravens at M&T; Bank Stadium, temporarily becoming most reviled professional sports owner in Baltimore.

Aug. 13: Ravens face Philadelphia Eagles in first preseason game. Iggles fans already waxing nostalgic for Jeff Garcia era.

Aug. 15: Billick, offended by a particularly fatty piece of prime rib at the Ravens' training table, announces that he will assume the duties of team chef and design all meal plans for the rest of the season.

Aug. 25: Exhibition game against Redskins is called off after Ravens protest obstructed view seating ... on the visitors' bench.

Aug. 31: Ravens travel to Atlanta for final exhibition game, vaguely recognize Falcons starting quarterback Chris Redman.

Sept. 3: Billick, unhappy with the choice of trees and bushes at his team's training facility, announces that he will assume the duties of head landscaper and pick all ornamental grasses and shrubs.

Sept. 10: Ravens travel to Cincinnati for Monday Night Football season opener, but game is canceled when NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, citing his new preemptive conduct policy, suspends entire Bengals team for the first half of the season.

Sept. 16: Second-year coach Eric Mangini brings New York Jets to Baltimore for Ravens home opener. Proud father-in-law Ron Shapiro buys up all tickets to game.

Oct. 28: Ravens' bye week planned perfectly to avoid World Series scheduling conflict with Orioles. Only fair after Orioles postponed FanFest during Ravens' playoff run.

Nov. 18: Running back Jamal Lewis returns to M&T; Bank Stadium for first time since signing with the Cleveland Browns. Rushes for 32 yards. Fumbles four times. Shows off new truck.

Nov. 25: Ravens travel to San Diego. Defensive coordinator Rex Ryan, still smarting over Chargers head coaching snub, orders defense to hold LaDainian Tomlinson to under 300 yards.

Dec. 3: Ravens defeat New England Patriots on Monday night in key AFC matchup. Bill Belichick injured in freak baggy sweat-shirt accident.

Dec. 9: Colts return to Baltimore for Sunday night showdown. Local newspaper columnist evokes local wrath for second time in less than a year when he encourages angst-ridden former Baltimore Colts fans to "get over it."

Dec. 30: Regular season ends with shutout victory over Pittsburgh Steelers. Ravens earn bye week.

Dec. 31: In massive expansion of "Goodell Doctrine," commissioner orders all playoff teams locked down for entire postseason. American Civil Liberties Union decides against legal challenge, announcing that NFL postseason is "too important to worry about trivial constitutional issues."

Jan. 1: Billick, unhappy with Goodell's decision, announces that he will assume the duties of commissioner until further notice.

Jan. 13: Ravens score resounding victory over Colts in divisional round of playoffs. Baltimore fans, still seeking closure, invite Jimmy Irsay to attend post-game celebration dressed as a pinata.

Jan. 20: Ravens defeat Patriots in AFC championship game. Disgruntled New England quarterback Tom Brady cites "off-field distractions" after Belichick is charged with shoplifting at local thrift store.

Feb. 3: Ravens defeat Chicago Bears in Super Bowl.

Feb. 4: Michael Vick Super Bowl after-party not widely attended.

peter.schmuck@baltsun.com

Listen to Peter Schmuck on WBAL (1090 AM) at noon on Saturdays and Sundays.

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