Hot days call for tall, frosty punch lines

The Baltimore Sun

It's too hot to think. Or write. Or do any heavy lifting.

It is, as my good friend Arthur says, like sitting in the mouth of a dog.

So grab some shade. Power down. Set your brain on simmer. The outdoors will still be there when it cools down a tad. In the meantime ...

The fish hanging outside the ladies bathroom at Bass Pro Shop is a crappie. Inside the women's facility hangs a largemouth bass. What are they trying to tell us?

Fact: In April, new Department of Natural Resources Deputy Secretary Eric Schwaab soothed anglers who doubted the agency's competence, saying: "We're not asking them to trust us. We're asking them to watch us. When you're in a trust hole, making promises isn't going to get you out. Taking positive steps will."

So on June 29, the Friday before the holiday weekend and next-to-last day anglers could buy an annual fishing license before prices nearly doubled, a DNR computer snafu locked everyone out. We're still watching, Mr. Deputy Secretary. Or should we check back later?

The definition of live bait: the biggest fish you'll handle all day.

Why is it folks can spend gobs of cash to put GPS units on their boats, in their backpacks and on their ATVs so they know where they're going and can't use the "comes standard" directional signals on their vehicles to extend the same courtesy to the rest of us?

The front of a boat is the bow. The thing that propels an arrow is a bow. Never mix up the two.

Wicomico County is on the Eastern Shore. The Wicomico River is on the opposite side of the Chesapeake Bay.

If you take more than one deer, to most folks it's still deer. But if you add gender to the mix, you make them plural - does and bucks.

Same thing with one or more moose. But if you kill multiple elk, Webster says you have either shot elk or elks. (The dictionary says the same thing about deer, but I've never heard anyone say "deers" except Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny.)

And what's the deal with swimming critters? Bass, perch and spot almost never get an "s" or "es." Crappies, bluegills, sharks and whales, however, get the plural treatment. Most anglers call them croaker, no matter how many they've caught. But hardhead - the same fish - gets the plural.

When it comes to bait fish, the bay anchovy gets to be plural, but the menhaden stays menhaden, even when it's in a school that's been sucked up by Omega Protein. Bunker is (are) on its (their) own.

Then, there's the things we call flounder. There's summer flounder, called fluke in New Jersey. There's winter flounder, also called lemon sole, not to be confused with the Dover sole touted in fancy restaurants, or grey sole, also known as witch flounder - don't ask me why. There's American plaice, aka dab, a "right-handed" flounder because both of its eyes are on that side of its body. And don't forget yellowtail flounder and four-spotted flounder, which have the decency to look like their names.

Fact: A box of shotgun shells is easier to open than a new CD or DVD.

A balaclava goes on your head. Baklava goes in your mouth.

Just once, I want to hear a pro bass fisherman step to the mike and say, "That's an unusually large specimen," instead of "That's a biggun."

Why is it men can't tell red from orange when getting dressed but can spell chartreuse when describing a lure?

If a J-hook looks like the alphabet letter and a circle hook looks like the geometric shape, why doesn't a kale hook look like a cabbage?

Why would a restaurant owner on the Delaware shore advertise being the "best steakhouse at the beach" on the same sign as "Tonight's Special: Tuna & Salmon"?

Fact: Fishing legend Bernard "Lefty" Kreh is ambidextrous.

Where do you find a blue crab with no legs? Exactly where you left it.

Why isn't Kent Island part of Kent County?

Same thing with Anne Arundel County's two Mill creeks.

What does Chessie the sea monster eat? Fish and ships.

If the animal rights people want to make a stink about something we can all relate to, why don't they protest that Bambi's mother never had a name? His father had a name (Great Prince). The rabbit had a name (Thumper). The skunk had a name (Flower). Bambi's rival had a name (Ronno). Bambi's love interest had a name (Faline). What's Bambi's mom, chopped venison?

And by the way, Bambi's mother's voice in the 1942 film was supplied by Paula Winslowe, who also gave voice to Mrs. Slate, Fred Flinstone's boss's wife.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH!

Finally, a joke passed along by Lefty Kreh: A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys. When the babies were side by side, they always looked in opposite directions, so they were named Forward and Away. When they got older, the fisherman took his sons fishing, but they didn't return.

Months passed, and the wife finally spotted her husband plodding up the beach. He explained to her that during their trip, Forward had hooked an enormous fish. He had struggled for hours, when suddenly the fish pulled Forward into the water and they never saw him again.

"That's just awful," his wife said.

"It was awful all right," said the fisherman. "But you should have seen the one that got Away."

You've been a great audience. Be sure to tip your waiters and waitresses. And if you're driving, don't forget your car.

candy.thomson@baltsun.com

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