Queen Elizabeth II has added a stop in Maryland to her U.S. trip next month. So far, the only place Buckingham Palace has disclosed on the agenda is NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt. But we know once Her Majesty touches ground in the Old Line State, she won't be able to resist a longer look at her former colony, particularly the charms of its most regal city. To that end, we have taken the liberty of suggesting a few places around town in which she'll want to stick her royal nose - and a few she definitely won't.
Bertha's Restaurant & Bar: The Fells Point seafood joint famous for its mussels also serves an afternoon tea every day from 3 to 5, just the way the British like it. The queen would be welcome, said baker Connie Methvin, as long as she makes a reservation. And on her way out, the queen could pick up an "Eat Bertha's Mussels" bumper sticker. It would look great on her Rolls.
Canton Dog Park: Known as a singles scene for both dogs and humans, the park is also a perfect place for the queen's purebred Corgis to cavort with the canine commoners. Just be careful not to let them cavort too heartily.
Royal Farms Store: At any one of the many convenient locations across Maryland, the queen can stop in the Royal Farms' King's Kitchen and enjoy a King Sub, a Sire Sandwich or a Knight 'n Day Breakfast. And on the Regal Grille, hot dogs are just 99 cents! No need to throw class out the window just because you're on this side of the Atlantic.
Pimlico Race Course: The queen is an avid horsewoman who will be attending the Kentucky Derby on this trip to the States. She'll miss the Preakness by a few weeks, but a gallop around the track could be quite invigorating. But even the coin of the realm will do her no good there: Slots have yet to come to Pimlico.
Western Maryland: Prince Philip, who will be joining the queen on the trip, is an avid hunter. The state may not boast many grouse, an odd-looking bird the prince enjoys shooting, but we are overrun with deer. Give the man a fluorescent vest and get out of the way.
Irish pubs: From Dougherty's to J. Patrick's to Ryan's Daughter, Baltimore has no shortage of places to down a pint of Guinness. All those countdown clocks to St. Patrick's Day could be a bit in-your-face for the queen. We'd suggest instead the Wharf Rat, where she can find some pale English ales.
The Washington Monument: Bad royal memories.
Fort McHenry: Same problem. Definitely bad form for us to be seen as gloating. Baltimore's most triumphant moment came, after all, at the expense of the British. The flag isn't there, and the queen shouldn't be either.
Biddle Street: If you think about it, maybe our city is problematic for this British monarch. Wallis Simpson, the Baltimore-born seductress for whom Elizabeth's uncle, King Edward VIII, abdicated the throne in 1936, spent part of her youth in a house on Biddle in Mount Vernon. Best to have the royal motorcade diverted from the Mount Vernon area altogether. To have Queen Elizabeth visit there would be totally awkward.
The Block: Spiked heels and sensible shoes do not mix. Definitely not fit for a queen.