You don't need barbells and elliptical trainers when you have a cof fee table and recliner. The living room is rife with possibilities for a Super Bowl workout - beer curls over the coffee table, squats over the recliner and push-ups from the arm of the couch. Here are a few exercises guaranteed to work up a sweat worthy of an NFL kicker, if not a linebacker. But choose your guests wisely. Performing beer cheers in front of snorting, hooting friends takes determination and mental toughness.
UP-DOWN BEER CHEER(Works the glutes, quadriceps, core, shoulders)
While seated on the couch, hold an unopened beer in each hand at the shoulders, palm facing forward. Stand to cheer and press both beer cans toward the ceiling. Sit back down and repeat four times. For greater exertion, use a tallboy. To hex the opposing team, use Chunky Soup, the official jinx of all NFL quarterbacks who endorse it.
SEATED TOUCHDOWN DANCE(Works the quads, shoulders and core)
Sitting up straight, extend your left leg out and right arm up. Switch to extend the right leg out and left arm up. For extra exertion, hold a copy of Dan Jenkins' Semi-Tough or Life Its Ownself: The Semi-Tougher Adventures of Billy Clyde Puckett and Them. Continue switching sides until after the extra point kick.
FIELD GOAL DANCE(Works the glutes, quads and abdomen)
Take your officially sanctioned NFL football signed by Ravens kicker Matt Stover, run outside and kick it over the house. Or a neighbor's house. If it hits the satellite dish, drop and do five push-ups, then jog to the nearest sports bar. Your workout is done. If you elect to continue exercising at the bar, do not engage the other patrons.
BATHROOM SPRINT/COUCH SQUAT DUO(Works the cardiovascular system, glutes)
During the commercial break, sprint to the bathroom and back, then do five squats before sitting down. For extra exertion, wave a "D-Fence" picket fence while running or squatting.
RALLY CIRCUIT(Works the legs, chest, triceps and gets your heart rate up)
Just before crucial plays, jump up from the couch, run around to the back of it, do 10 to 15 push-ups, run back to the front and sit down. For added exertion, do this while wearing a Washington Redskins Hog dress, wig and pig nose.
SNACK-SEEKER WALK/RUN(Works the legs, glutes and cardiovascular system)
When the snacks run low in the TV room, lunge to the kitchen and lunge back. For extra exertion, wave your oversized foam "We're #1" finger while working those glutes. If you don't have a finger, an autographed Tiki Barber oven mitt will do.
COUCH POTATO CRUNCH(Works the abs)
While seated on the couch or Barcalounger, reach up and grab hold of the back of the couch or lounger. Pull up knees to the chest. Repeat four times. If two legs are too hard, alternate legs. For more resistance, wear a pair of triple-ply sweat pants from the Howie Long metrosexual collection.
CHIP 'N' DIP ROTATION/SERVE(Works the obliques)
While seated as upright as possible, hold the dip bowl at chest level and rotate left to right at the waist. Can also be done with three people sitting on the couch. The two on the outside can do the Up-Down Beer Cheer with the chips. Repeat four times.
BEER KEG SQUATS(Works the pectorals, glutes and biceps)
With arms around the beer keg, lift up and set down five times. If the keg is empty, you can use a friend or loved one.
BEER KEG PUMPS(Works the chest, triceps, back and rear deltoids and upper trapezius)
Like pumping up a bicycle tire, raise and lower the keg primer 10 times with each arm. The following types of headgear will boost balance and muscle control: Philadelphia Eagles foam beak hats, Green Bay Packers cheese heads and Chicago Bears earmuffs.
TRASH TOSS(Works the upper arms, chest and triceps)
Position a large trash can as far away from the TV as possible. After successfully consuming a beverage or snack, throw the can or wrapper with as much force as possible across the room and into the trash can.
COFFEE TABLE BUTT SQUEEZE(Works the glutes)
Lie on the floor and put your right foot up on the coffee table, with your knee bent at a 45-degree angle. Put your left foot on your right knee, push down with your right foot on the coffee table and lift your buttocks about 6 inches, hold, then come down. Do five squeezes, then switch to the other side. If the coffee table is too spindly, sub a rolling Ravens cooler.
FURNITURE SHUFFLE(Works upper arms, chest and triceps)
Move all furniture in the living room two feet to the right. Extra points if there's a person in the recliner. Extra-extra points if the person is a former kicker, Carmen Electra or the mother of any NFL player, except career diplomat Terrell Owens.
A 180-pound person can reasonably expect to burn seven calories per minute with low-impact aerobics, so to calculate calories burned using this regimen, track the number of minutes exercised and multiply by seven.
All that's left is to tune in, slap on some body paint and get ready to rumble.