In the days before Christmas, presents are neatly stacked under the Alexis family's tree - each pile with an equal number of gifts for the four children.
Sandy Carlson Alexis and her husband, Lans, are both pastors of Evangelical Lutheran congregations. But they know that the children "have to have the same number," says Sandy Carlson Alexis. "If not, I have to go to the dollar store to even them out."
The Alexises, who devote this season to religious tradition, also know that, when it comes to their children, concessions are required. "Our kids want what everyone else is doing," she says.
The struggle between commercialism and spirituality in America goes as far back as Puritan times, carrying over to the Grinches and Charlie Browns. The tension has only grown, from stores staying open nearly round-the-clock to fisticuffs over the hottest toys.
So for families, the struggle is how to teach children about faith, traditions and the identity of a certain red-suited fellow. It's the time of year when parents try to strike a balance between the forces of commercialism and quiet moments of reflection.
Most parents seeking to preserve the spirit of the holiday seem to think that Santa Claus is OK, as long as he's accompanied by lessons in generosity and gratitude. And reasonable gifts are important - thrilling not just the children who receive, but the parents who give.
The Rev. Andrew Foster Connors of Brown Memorial Park Avenue Presbyterian Church in Bolton Hill says he and his wife are careful about materialism year-round. Their daughters, ages 2 and 5, don't watch television because "we want their primary formation to be as Christians, not as consumers," he says.
The girls visited Santa for the first time this year, Connors says, but he still tries not to talk about Santa on Sundays at church. "I think kids are already confused about how Santa and Jesus meet up," he says.
He says he sees no conflict between Santa and the religious aspects of Christmas. "There's a certain mystery around Santa. It's enlarging the imagination to think about possibilities wider than the reality we see around us. I don't want to deprive the children of that," Connors says. "I think imagination is so critical for faith and living in general."
Erich Becker, who leads the marriage and family ministry for Grace Fellowship Church in Timonium, likens discussions about Santa to reading fables. "I think kids' imaginations are really treasures and gifts. They're good for kids to read, even if they're not physically or materially true," he says. "Imagination is a wonderful thing to keep stimulating."
To parents such as Ann Stephan of Edgewater, Santa can be a tool to help children learn the concept of faith - something that's crucial to later religious instruction.
"He will pray to Santa as opposed to writing a letter," Stephan says of her kindergartner, who attends St. John the Evangelist School in Severna Park. "It's easy for him to have a belief in something he can't see."
Another St. John's parent, Cathy Stamper of Gambrills, tells her five children that "Jesus gave him [Santa] a job in heaven to give gifts to children." After Catholic Mass, the family will celebrate the holiday tomorrow with a birthday cake for Jesus.
But for other families who fear confusion with Jesus, Santa Claus is assigned to the ranks of fairy-tale heroes.
"We've always introduced the concept of Santa Claus to our kids as a character, just as they see the Disney characters on TV," says the Rev. Gregg Knepp, pastor of St. John Evangelical Lutheran Church in Pimlico. He and his wife have two boys and a girl, ages 5, 6 and 7.
Knepp remembers being confused as a child by all of the gifts he received from Santa - and no gifts from his parents. So he and his wife decided to follow an alternate route with their children, teaching them from a young age that their parents are the ones leaving wrapped presents beneath the tree.
"We wanted our children to understand they weren't given gifts from some anonymous character," he says.
For many churches, programs tailored to children are essential to build an appreciation for the spiritual elements of the holiday.
At New Hope Community Church in Pikesville, toddlers through second-graders will wear party hats and receive goody bags from a birthday celebration for Jesus today. They will read Christmas stories and play Pin the Star on the Manger and other games adapted for the holiday, says Kathie Phillips, director of Kids Community, the children's ministry at New Hope.
Families at Holy Cross Orthodox Church in Linthicum observed the feast day of St. Nicholas on Dec. 6 with a fair and a visit from the saint himself, who talked about good works he's done.
"Instead of letting Santa Claus run away with Christmas, we have a celebration at church," says Frederica Mathewes-Green, an author and columnist who founded Holy Cross with her husband.
St. Nicholas, in the attire of an early Christian bishop, offers blessings at the end of the annual Christmas pageant at Epiphany Episcopal Church in Odenton, says the Rev. Phebe L. McPherson, who puts her college major in theater to work for the holiday. The theme - drawn each year from a popular movie - is Happy Feet.
Building memories is key. "It's all about joy and it's all about putting Jesus in the middle of it all," McPherson says.
Children at St. John the Evangelist School performed a Christmas musical last week about the Nativity, and first-graders built scenes as a family project, says the school's principal, Sister Linda Larsen. "They have to understand they would never have those gifts if it were not for the birth of Christ," she says. "He's the greatest gift."
For parents, the trick is finding a way to balance teaching children the joy of giving against indulging in the traditional joys of the season.
"A well-intentioned parent is going to be pulled in at least two directions," says Carole Burnett, who taught a fall colloquium on wealth and poverty at the Ecumenical Institute of Theology at St. Mary's Seminary in Roland Park. They want to be true to their values, and remember those who are less fortunate, but at the same time, "you don't want your child to be a social pariah," Burnett says.
"There's that thrill that a parent has when a child comes down the stairs and sees the new bicycle," Burnett says. "That's one of the unforgettable experiences of parenthood. But at the same time, it's not a spiritual experience - it's a very human emotion, and I don't really feel God in the midst of that."
Christmas should not be about presents, but about personal relationships, says the Rev. John F. Kavanaugh, a columnist for America magazine and author of Following Christ in a Consumer Society: The Spirituality of Cultural Resistance.
"Some kids learn very early to go through life like they go through Christmas presents. They go through life just tearing through wrapping paper instead of savoring it," he says.
One strategy to combat the season's frantic materialism is "to personalize as much as you can," he says.
Every day of Advent, the Jesuit priest and professor at St. Louis University jotted down the name of a person he's grateful for and a thing he's grateful for on a sheet of lined loose-leaf paper.
"You'll have a month of gifts, both persons who are gifts and things of life, nature," Kavanaugh says.
"You don't have to forget the material gifts, but these ultimately are going to mean more."
Some families seek out traditions infused with spirituality that appeal to young children. Connors says his daughters have been taking turns lighting a candle and moving Nativity figures closer to a Christmas star each night since Advent began. They also sing a song about Mary.
The activity is "reinforcing what we do in the worshiping community," he says.
Lans Alexis enjoys the gifts he gives his children for Christmas - and uses them as a lesson.
"We tell them what Santa Claus means - not just giving gifts, but being generous," Alexis says.
Today the family will light the last candle on their Advent wreath - one for each of four Sundays before Christmas. And this year, the Alexises are giving their children, ages 9 to 16, money to donate to charities of their choice.
When they were first married, the ministers vowed that there would be "nothing Christmas until Christmas" to uphold the hopeful anticipation of Advent until Christmas Eve, which the church calendar marks as the official beginning of the 12 days of the Christmas season.
But slowly their observance has crept earlier and earlier, Sandy Alexis says.
"You don't want to be a bah humbug."
liz.kay@baltsun.com