I don't know if Floyd Landis has a steroid problem, but he sure does have another kind of problem, the same one Paris Hilton has and Madonna and Mel Gibson when he's loaded and the cops pull him over: He just won't shut up.
Did you see Landis with Jay Leno the other night?
Apparently, the disgraced Tour de France winner is now determined to plead his case on every single talk show in America.
In the past few days, he's done just about every show except Dr. Phil's, and that's probably just around the corner.
In fact, I understand he'll be appearing next on the Baltimore County cable-access channel, right after a feature about road-salt supplies for the winter.
Not only that, but Landis also seems to be granting interviews to just about anyone waving a pen and notepad or microphone.
You can't get this guy to stop yapping about his failed drug test.
At this rate, he'll be showing up at Kiwanis meetings and Little League games and backyard barbecues to talk about it.
Anyway, on the Tonight Show with Leno, Landis reportedly floated yet another theory as to why he tested positive for abnormally high levels of testosterone during a grueling stage of cycling's big race.
This was, by my unofficial count, the 464th theory Landis has offered for his high testosterone levels. You may remember some of the others. A couple were real howlers.
There was the "Maybe-it-was-the-beer-and-Jack-Daniel's-the-night-before" theory.
There was the "Maybe-it-was-the-cortisone-shot-for-my-bad-hip" theory.
There was the "Maybe-it-was-my-thyroid-medication" theory.
Then there was my personal favorite, the "Maybe-I-just-naturally-have-sky-high-levels-of-testosterone" theory.
You're a real stud muffin.
Apparently, nobody in the cycling world really believes any of these theories, from what I understand.
But Landis keeps tossing them out there, apparently working off the premise that the guy who first came up with "The check's in the mail" was a genius.
So when Landis sat down with Leno the other night, no one was really surprised to hear him trot out a new drug-test theory.
And it was a real beauty, too.
According to the Associated Press, Landis told Leno: "... At this point, I don't know if it's somehow or some way I ingested something that caused the tests to be that way."
Ah, the old "Maybe-I-ingested-something" theory.
Let's examine that theory for a moment, can we?
Here is a world-class athlete, an elite cyclist who adheres to a strict training regimen and rigid diet for weeks and months.
Don't you think someone like that would know if he "ingested something" that was a little, um different from what he normally ingests?
Look, even a schlub like me knows what he "ingests" on a day-to-day basis.
Most mornings, for example, I ingest two cups of coffee and a bowl of cereal, or maybe an English muffin.
In fact, I can tell you pretty much what I ingested for the past month or so.
But we're expected to believe a top athlete like Landis goes around ingesting things without knowing what they are?
C'mon. That's beyond "the check's in the mail." Now we're getting into the realm of "the check will be arriving to you via UFO."
That's why, if I'm Floyd Landis' agent, I'm speed-dialing my client today to deliver a very important message.
And that very important message is: Floyd, shut up.
No more talk-show appearances.
No more interviews with the media jackals.
And, most important of all: no more loony theories about why you flunked the drug test.
You're not helping the cause here, son.
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