Sick of reading all those boring roundups of the top stories of 2004? Wouldn't you rather get a jump on the top stories of 2005? Of course you would. Here are the highlights:
January: Martha Stewart is caught trying to tunnel her way out of prison. Officials say the escape would have succeeded if Stewart hadn't spent so much time decorating the tunnel with imported Italian tiles, woodland accent pillows and festive wall sconces made with shivs.
February: During the Super Bowl halftime show, Paul McCartney sings "When I'm 64" (soon to be retitled "When I Was 64"). Everything proceeds smoothly until Justin Timberlake appears onstage and causes a "wardrobe malfunction," revealing that the ex-Beatle is wearing Depends.
April: Hollywood's obsession with sequels ensnares the critically acclaimed film Sideways. Production begins on Diagonally, in which Jack and Miles travel to the Florida home ofBernie and Roz Focker (played by Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand).
May: Author Mitch Albom publishes The Five People You Meet in Hades. The list: Albom, Albom, Albom, Albom and Albom.
July: The sixth Harry Potter book is released. Titled Harry Potter and the Accelerated Aging Potion, it explains why the actors in future Potter movies will appear to be 30 years old.
August: The WB television network finally hits No. 1 in the ratings, thanks to a reality-show adaptation of Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ in which annoying celebrities are beaten and scourged. The first episodes are titled "The Passion of Paris Hilton" and "The Passion of Donald Trump's Hair."
September: In the technological breakthrough of the century, Ronco introduces the Crawl Blocker, which erases those news tickers that crawl across the bottom of the TV screen when you watch CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and other stations. Viewers using the device are shocked to learn that Fox host Bill O'Reilly wears no pants.
November: Shaky economic conditions cause TV networks to cut costs by revamping shows. CSI: New York becomes CSI: Allentown.
December: Under pressure from liberal groups, Disneyland changes the name of the Mad Hatter to the Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder Hatter.