A congressional committee chairman may think he fully addressed the issue when he ordered french fries and french toast off the House cafeteria menu last week -- to be replaced by "freedom fries" and "freedom toast" -- but what of the french dressing, the soup du jour, the Hamburger and Frankfurter?
If it's necessary to take steps against countries that don't support the U.S. war effort -- such drastic actions as saying, "If you're not going to attack with us, we're not going to name our grease-soaked potatoes after you" -- then should we not, following that logic, excise from our language not just all things French, but all things German and Russian as well?
Yes, it would be a lot of work; and, oui, a lot of our character and diversity would go down the drain. But if Americaniza-tion is what it's all about, it's time to clamp a lid on the melting pot, send the Statue of Liberty packing, and replace all commonly used French, German and Russian terms (take heed China, Cameroon and Guinea) with more American-sounding, preferably patriotic, names.
Here then, in the spirit of House Administration Com-mittee Chairman Bob Ney's cafeteria edict, are some more terms we might consider bidding au revoir, and their suggested replacements.
French fries = All-American Idaho Spudsticks
French bread = Liberty loaf
French toast = Southern-fried egg bread
French dressing = Amerigrette
French onion soup = (see "borscht")
Eclair = Chocolate-covered, custard-filled, elongated,
Fondue = Melting pot
Sacre bleu! = No way!
C'est la vie = Whatever
Croissant = Bread and butter
Cafe = Diner
French horn = Baby tuba
Fleur-de-lis = Baby Bush
Gerard Depardieu = Jerry Depp
Denouement = Condoleeza
French kiss = Star-Spangled sloppysmooch
Menage a trois = Yankee doodling, or Patriot Act
German chocolate cake = Fudgie Founding Fathers cake
German measles = Rumsfeld rash
Hamburger = Big Mac
Frankfurter = Democracy Dog
Sauerkraut = Shining Sea cabbage
Pumpernickel = Rumsfeld rye
German strudel = Yankee strudel dandy
Heineken = Lone Star
Lowenbrau = Lone Star Lite
German shepherd = Rin Tin Tin
Gesundheit = God Bless America
Russian dressing = Rockets Red Glare dressing
White Russian = John Wayne Smoothie
Black Russian = True Grit
Chicken Kiev = KFC Extra Buttery
Borscht = Ain't-Nobody-We-Can't-Beet soup
Yakov Smirnoff = Jake Smith
Russian Tea Room = Celebrity-filled Warm Beverage Emporium
Russian roulette = Saddamy
Vodka = Spudoretto
Norine Schiller of The Sun staff contributed to this article.