Sacre bleu! No more Frenchifying


A congressional committee chairman may think he fully addressed the issue when he ordered french fries and french toast off the House cafeteria menu last week -- to be replaced by "freedom fries" and "freedom toast" -- but what of the french dressing, the soup du jour, the Hamburger and Frankfurter?

If it's necessary to take steps against countries that don't support the U.S. war effort -- such drastic actions as saying, "If you're not going to attack with us, we're not going to name our grease-soaked potatoes after you" -- then should we not, following that logic, excise from our language not just all things French, but all things German and Russian as well?

Yes, it would be a lot of work; and, oui, a lot of our character and diversity would go down the drain. But if Americaniza-tion is what it's all about, it's time to clamp a lid on the melting pot, send the Statue of Liberty packing, and replace all commonly used French, German and Russian terms (take heed China, Cameroon and Guinea) with more American-sounding, preferably patriotic, names.

Here then, in the spirit of House Administration Com-mittee Chairman Bob Ney's cafeteria edict, are some more terms we might consider bidding au revoir, and their suggested replacements.

French fries = All-American Idaho Spudsticks

French bread = Liberty loaf

French toast = Southern-fried egg bread

French dressing = Amerigrette

French onion soup = (see "borscht")

Eclair = Chocolate-covered, custard-filled, elongated,

hole-less doughnut

Fondue = Melting pot

Sacre bleu! = No way!

C'est la vie = Whatever

Croissant = Bread and butter

Cafe = Diner

French horn = Baby tuba

Fleur-de-lis = Baby Bush

Gerard Depardieu = Jerry Depp

Denouement = Condoleeza

French kiss = Star-Spangled sloppysmooch

Menage a trois = Yankee doodling, or Patriot Act

German chocolate cake = Fudgie Founding Fathers cake

German measles = Rumsfeld rash

Hamburger = Big Mac

Frankfurter = Democracy Dog

Sauerkraut = Shining Sea cabbage

Pumpernickel = Rumsfeld rye

German strudel = Yankee strudel dandy

Heineken = Lone Star

Lowenbrau = Lone Star Lite

German shepherd = Rin Tin Tin

Gesundheit = God Bless America

Russian dressing = Rockets Red Glare dressing

White Russian = John Wayne Smoothie

Black Russian = True Grit

Chicken Kiev = KFC Extra Buttery

Borscht = Ain't-Nobody-We-Can't-Beet soup

Yakov Smirnoff = Jake Smith

Russian Tea Room = Celebrity-filled Warm Beverage Emporium

Russian roulette = Saddamy

Vodka = Spudoretto

Norine Schiller of The Sun staff contributed to this article.

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