ATLANTA - I'm so terribly ashamed. I know my wife will be hurt by what I've done. And soon she'll know everything, all the dirty little details of my sin. Her life will be turned upside down when she learns the ugly truth today: I have not bought her a new luxury vehicle for Christmas.

Oh, dear God what have I done? Why oh why did I get her a mock turtleneck (available this year in eggplant) instead of a shiny champagne Lexus? Why on earth did I settle for a mail-order pair of slacks (in heather) and not a sleek silver BMW?

Why in the name of all that is good will such a deserving woman spend her Christmas morning sitting at the kitchen table fork-poking a colorful Claxton fruitcake instead of sitting behind the wheel of a black Mercedes convertible negotiating a fork in the road?

I'll tell you why: because she's married to a wretched little man. Because she pledged her troth to a sniveling, selfish elf of a man who would give his beloved a really thick pair of socks for Christmas rather than a brand new luxury sedan.

Because she is not married to the sort of man who would confidently stand with one hand on his wife's shoulder while the other hand dangles a handsome set of keys in front of her face as he explains to her that the shiny new sport utility vehicle with a big red ribbon on top sitting in the driveway is hers. Because she instead is married to the sort of man who would proudly explain that, when it comes to fruitcakes, Claxton fruitcakes are the best, absolutely top-of-the-line.

I know there's no excuse for my selfishness. But what's done is done. All I can do is hope for her forgiveness. Maybe, just maybe, I can make it up to her on her birthday this spring by replacing her 24-year-old purple Pacer with a new car.

I've already had my eye on the classifieds the last couple of days, and there's this used yellow (I call it mango) Yugo for sale. It's got some bells and whistles too, like genuine cloth seat covers and a new gas cap. I sure hope it's still available in a couple of months, because I'd love to see her sitting behind the wheel of that beauty.

The car's mango interior would go just great with her eggplant mock turtleneck.

Mark Cloud is an attorney in Atlanta.