Last month, one of those guys on the other end of the phone at a software company -- the ones who talk you in off the ledge when your computer goes berserk -- was arrested for selling information on at least 30,000 people to a group of financial criminals who were not, I'm just guessing here, looking to expand their Christmas card list.

Headlines screamed that it was the biggest bust in the short history of the fastest growing crime in this country, and a new phrase was added to our lexicon of personal nightmares -- "identity theft."

And all I could think was, "Why would anyone want mine?"

I can't get anybody to take my place for one lousy night at the high school concession stand. Why would anybody want my whole identity?

And what exactly would they get if they stole it?

Would they have my impossibly straight and, if I'm not mistaken, thinning hair? Would they keep my color appointments?

If someone stole my identity, would they also take from me my addiction to pasta and tomatoes? Or my aversion to mayonnaise?

Would they look fabulous in black? Would they like Martha Grimes mysteries? Would they make spaghetti sauce using my mother's recipe?

Would they be well-known among their friends for finding the perfect gift -- one for which the recipient will never guess the price?

Would they get along better with my teen-age kids than I do because they'd just have my identity and not all my baggage?

If you just get someone's financial profile when you steal their identity, anyone who steals mine would not have scored much of a triumph.

My credit card companies regularly call the house and ask my husband why he let me have the car keys again.

And the tellers at my bank treat me like a regular on Cheers: "Good morning, Ms. Reimer. The usual?"

Good luck to identity thieves getting any blood out of this stone.

I should not be flip, and I repent of it.

Identity theft is a serious problem. The FBI says there will be 900,000 new cases this year. The average loss exceeds $18,000, and it takes more than a year and a half to undo all the damage.

And if it happens to you, your husband is going to believe it is your fault.

It appears it is utterly impossible to protect your financial accounts from being drained by a thief, or to prevent him from using your information to open new accounts in your name and make purchases.

But law enforcement and financial professionals are offering advice that might make you somewhat less vulnerable.

* Check your credit report at least once a year with more than one credit reporting company, or pay a service to monitor your credit report for unauthorized inquiries or other activity.

* Guard your wallet.

* Although most financial crimes are committed by insiders and not by someone going through your trash, shred all financial documents before putting them in the garbage.

* Don't put your Social Security number or your driver's license number on your checks.

* Don't use auto login features on your computer.

* Deposit bills and other financial mail in post office collection boxes, not in unattended residential boxes.

* Use different passwords for each account, change them often, use more than eight characters and combine random letters, numbers and keyboard characters. Don't write these passwords down anywhere.

(This may be the most challenging suggestion to those of us who can't seem to remember who we were calling when we dialed the phone, or what we wanted to ask them.)

One final word of caution. If you see someone who looks like the woman in the picture that accompanies this column, alert the authorities because someone has stolen my identity.

I haven't looked that good since it was taken.