DID HE WEAR Nike or Adidas on those size-15 feet?
It's very important, because one of those companies will win the right to pay LeBron James $20 million to endorse its product. (Just what we need. Another 18-year-old selling $150 sneakers to the world's youth.)
Did he help or hurt his chance of being the No. 1 pick in the 2003 NBA draft?
It's important, because the entire economy and competitive future of the Memphis Grizzlies (or some other downtrodden NBA franchise) is now riding on this "can't-miss" prospect.
Did Shaq or Sir Air call the high school senior on one of his two cellular phones last night to say "good game" and, more importantly, recommend an agent?
If Philadelphia 76ers star Allen Iverson is "The Answer," then Ohio prep sensation LeBron James is "The Question." In fact, James is a string of uncomfortable questions, starting with: "Why?"
We must be a very bored people. Or hard up. Or jaded beyond reason. Why else did we do this?
What plausible reason could there be for watching a 17-year-old senior play a game of high school basketball - on national television - last night?
The forces that be deemed it necessary, that's why. The chaotic, free-market, give-us-something-new-now confluence of forces said it was time for LeBron James to cross that final frontier. It was time for him to be beamed into our living rooms so we could see for ourselves.
What else was left for him to do, anyway? He has already graced the covers of Sports Illustrated, ESPN The Magazine and USA Today.
He's already the subject of a surreal bidding war between sneaker makers.
He has already cost the Cleveland Cavaliers a $150,000 fine and a suspension for coach John Lucas, since the Cavs violated league policy last spring by inviting James to work out with them.
And James has already ignited debate over the NBA's age requirements - a policy designed to keep kids out of the pros until at least their senior class has graduated from high school, even though everyone has already deemed this kid ready now. He is the second coming of Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson, rolled up into one.
God bless America, baby.
LeBron Mania, baby.
Dickie V. and Bill Walton in the house at Cleveland State's Convocation Center, even though both basketball analysts preach about the importance of staying in school. No NCAA member could possibly touch James now, not after all the money-making he's generated - for everyone but himself.
At this rate, with a precedent now set for high school basketball games on pay-per-view (thank you, Time Warner), it won't be long before sports programming includes fifth-grade CYO games.
We can say James' national TV cameo last night was harmless. It was all in fun. It's entertainment.
Or we can say what ESPN said about its decision to slap the Akron schoolboy and his St. Vincent-St. Mary game against Oak Hill Academy on ESPN2 last night: It was "news."
"We're always careful considering our programming, but in this case, we weren't the ones who went out and sought the deal," said James Kurlewitz, director of media relations for ESPN.
"This was an existing program. It was brought to us by Paragon Marketing out of Chicago, who was hired by the school to promote the game. This fit in perfectly well for us. It's of interest and of value to our audience."
In other words: us.
We are the audience, and, frankly, we can't seem to get enough. Ever. Of anything. Which explains why St. Vincent-St. Mary crossed a new frontier itself this season.
Imagine this: Educators of young men actually thought it was appropriate to contract with a sports marketing company to promote their boys basketball team as a way to raise money for the school.
But it's only a symptom. Did you hear the one about Wendy's sponsoring a Heisman-like trophy for high school players?
The trickle-down effect of our growing addiction has been on international display. Have you seen the way the Little League eligibility rules are being questioned and skirted now that the Little League World Series is a huge ratings bonanza?
Forgive me if this sounds sanctimonious, although I'm all for sanctimony when it comes to a sports world run amok.
These are the days, after all, when an NBA player allegedly lies to a grand jury, unwilling to confess booster payments of $280,000 during college. These are the days when NBA "stars" are arrested on an interstate, caught allegedly hauling 40 ounces of pot between Seattle and Portland.
And these are the days when a convicted tax cheat and known gambler is apparently on the verge of reinstatement to baseball, despite overwhelming evidence he not only bet on baseball, but also on his own team, the equivalent of the death penalty in sports.
Do we crave to gawk at raw athletic talent and bellow for competitive hustle so much that it blinds us to the possibility that the entire infrastructure of sports is crumbling?
But, hey, ratings are great.
It's nothing new that our appetite for a quick fix of sports entertainment will propel us to rationalize any number of things. It was back in 1987 when a kid named Todd Marinovich was plastered on the cover of Sports Illustrated. He was the "can't-miss" quarterback who missed so badly, USA Today has subsequently written 300 articles detailing Marinovich's legal and emotional travails.
But that's not going to happen this time. We've learned some things since then. Which is why LeBron James is the real deal. I've read that somewhere. I've read that everywhere.
And if he's not the real deal, so what? At least he was the real meal ticket, for all of us, for those empty-caloried 15 minutes of fame. Yeah, baby!