My sister will fly from Providence to Baltimore today with a homemade apple pie on her lap.

My friend Judy will drive from Chevy Chase to upstate New York with her homemade apple pie on the passenger seat.

My sister-in-law will arrive from Princeton, N.J., bearing an exquisite homemade walnut tart.

Now, imagine hundreds of thousands of similar baked goods criss-crossing the country, in the air, on highways and trains.

Bumper to bumper pies, pouring out of Baltimore and landing in Hoboken, Westchester or Boston for Thanksgiving feasts. Or pouring out of those towns and landing in Baltimore, Richmond and points farther south.

What is the point? Will all these pies merely cancel each other out, or will the passing pie energy result in some sort of catastrophic "pie fusion," whose effects won't be apparent for thousands of years? (Oh, so that's what caused global warming way back then!)

It certainly is an inefficient food delivery system. "We're importing pie because you can't get the stuff here," says one sarcastic recipient of her mother's annual pumpkin chiffon pie, prepared in Boston and chauffeured 406 miles to Baltimore.

Perhaps the new Department of Homeland Security should get into the act and devise a simple plan for more sensible distribution of Thanksgiving pies. Who knows, maybe the FBI would have better luck detecting Crisco in pie crusts or preventing pie fights than apprehending terrorists.

Here's how it could work: Instead of taking your pie through airport security, you could leave it at a designated pie depot and receive a pie token. At your destination, trade the token for a pie of equal value at the depot there. (Whether you must trade a pecan pie for a pecan pie or another kind of pie should be left up to local jurisdictions.)

Then, someone flying into your airport can trade their token for your pie, thus avoiding triggering the pie detector.

On Pie 95 (thank my brother for that one), perhaps pies can be deposited and picked up at toll booths or rest stops. A similar system could work at bus and train stations.

Such a plan would eliminate wear and tear on the pies caused by stressful traffic jams, stopping short, fighting kids in the back seat, exhaust, altitude shifts, etc. There's nothing worse than toiling over a pie, only to have it crack, crumble or sink in the middle after one too many potholes.

If you're on the road today, look into all those cars, or if your pie-packing SUV is bigger than someone else's SUV, look down on them. See those poor sweet potato and mincemeat pies bumping along in their rattling tin foil wrap? Wouldn't they be better off sticking close to home?

One more thing: I believe an honor system must be imposed to ensure store-bought pies are exchanged for store-bought pies, and pre-prepared crusts for pre-prepared crusts.

If that little-known clause in the social contract crumbles like a poorly made crust, blame Eminem or talk radio or your newly elected officials. But don't blame me. I'm not baking any pies this year. They're all coming in, by car, by plane, from here and from afar.