IF YOU'RE HEADED to the gleaming new Comcast Center at the University of Maryland tomorrow night for the men's basketball game between the Terps and EA Sports, here's a little advice: Leave now.
That's right, put down the paper, grab your keys and go.
Don't pet the dog, don't water the plants.
Just go.
Although to tell you the truth, even with a 36-hour head start, there's no guarantee you'll get through the horrendous traffic on U.S. 1 - Hell's Highway - by the 8 p.m. tip-off.
Actually, Maryland officials say, getting to the game should be much easier than it was last Tuesday, when fans headed to see the Terps in their Comcast Center debut against the Harlem Globetrotters ran into The Perfect Storm of all traffic jams.
Let's face it, in the best of times, getting to a sports event at Maryland is no picnic.
This is because Route 1, the main artery in College Park, is the single most horrible road in the United States - a narrow, busy, exhaust-choked stretch of asphalt where you can spend days and days and days in bumper-to-bumper traffic waiting for the light to turn green.
On game days, the traffic on nearby Route 193 also moves at a snail's pace, although that is probably a slur against snails, since the traffic moves even slower than they do.
Still, what happened last Tuesday was almost unprecedented, when the following events conspired to cause such massive gridlock around campus that hundreds, if not thousands, of fans were still stewing in their cars at tip-off:
It was a rainy night, which caused everyone to drive like your grandma.
The 7 p.m. tip-off forced fans to deal with rush-hour traffic, which, in the D.C. suburbs, lasts about 18 hours a day.
The roads were further choked with University College students trying to get to their classes, which also started at 7.
"That was a huge problem," said Capt. Larry Volz of the university's Department of Public Safety. "It brought another 5,000 cars on campus."
Since it's a brand-new arena, lots of fans didn't know where the parking lots were or which lot they were supposed to go to.
Since Comcast Center holds 4,000 more fans than Cole Field House, the Terps' former home, parking attendants were dealing with many more cars than they were used to.
Many day students were leaving the campus just as the basketball fans and night class students arrived, creating the kind of angry, horn-blowing confrontations normally associated with midtown Manhattan.
So the whole thing was a nightmare.
"We had a 2-pound bag and 4 pounds of jelly beans to put into it," is the folksy way that Volz summed up the situation.
As it happened, your humble correspondent was one of the fans caught in this traffic nightmare.
I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic with an 11-year-old who's hungry and thirsty and about ready to kick out the rear window if you don't get him out of the car now.
It, um, really is quite an experience. And missing the first 10 minutes of the game didn't improve his mood any.
We actually had no problem on the ride down I-95 from Baltimore, the interstate being remarkably free of the usual jack-knifed tractor-trailers and battered pickups pulled to the shoulder with their engines on fire.
But once we hit U.S. 1 - did I mention how much I hate this road? - traffic was at a standstill.
In fact, it took us an hour and 15 minutes to travel U.S. 1 to 193 West to Comcast Center, a drive that would normally take maybe 12 minutes without traffic.
Ha, ha, ha - did I say without traffic?!
That's a good one - when isn't there traffic in College Park?
Three in the morning, maybe. After the bar crowd has called it a night, and all the drunks are either home or wrapped around a telephone pole somewhere.
Anyway, the good news is that university officials say traffic flow should be better for tomorrow night's game at Comcast Center, a truly magnificent facility.
For one thing, it's an 8 o'clock tip-off. Not only won't arriving fans have to deal with rush-hour traffic, but they'll also avoid the demolition-derby square-offs in the parking lots with night-class students.
Kathy Worthington, executive senior associate athletic director, said e-mails are being sent to all season-ticket holders, outlining the various routes they can take to get to their parking lots.
And she said there would be more "perimeter signage" - you gotta love that term - in place instructing fans to the various parking lots.
So the chance of seeing another Perfect Storm traffic jam seems remote.
Still, just to be on the safe side, I'm leaving now.