THERE ARE no moral victories," Navy football coach Paul Johnson said after Saturday's Saint Vito's Day loss to Notre Dame at Unitas Stadium in Baltimore. I know he was disappointed - a few million Americans were - that the Midshipmen could not hold their 23-15 lead and ended up losing to the Fumblin' Irish, 30-23. And I know the coach was being bugged by sportswriters for a quote, and maybe he's not much of a spin doctor and doesn't try to prescribe that kind of medicine. A loss is an L in the record books, no matter what anyone says. To come so close and still lose is a bitter pill.

But, please, all you mugs and slugs. Why the frowns? This wasn't a national embarrassment. Saturday's Navy-Notre Dame game ranks up there with Alydar as one of the greatest sports almosts ever.

Against tremendous odds, small-ball Navy came close to staging one of the greatest upsets in college football history.

And, OK, I know about "almost." It doesn't count. A football game is four quarters, not three. But I'd like to put in a word for moral victories, since I heard Coach Johnson and some gloomy radio guy say there's no such thing.

Navy's players found the passion, desire and courage to go three quarters with one of the most potent football teams in the nation when no one thought they'd ever get a first down. The underdog overachieved. The collective spirit on the Navy side was awesome, and the Midshipmen lost the game but won the day. Call that spin, if you like, but I'm keeping it.

No grace in defeat

What we may never know: How many Eastern Shore voters went for E.J. Pipkin - over longtime state Sen. Walter Baker - thinking they'd voted for Cal Ripken.

I like that Gov. Parris N. Glendening came out from hiding up after the election to say that Kathleen K. Townsend had one of the worst-run campaigns in the country. He's great, isn't he? No wonder Parris has so many friends! No wonder Marylanders love this guy! Hey Goob: If it was such a bad campaign - and if you're KKT's mentor - why didn't you do something about it before it was too late?

Then there was this: During KKT's post-election hike on an Annapolis trail with her husband and daughters, a reporter asked the failed gubernatorial candidate why Albert Wynn, the Democratic congressman from Prince George's County, had not been a strong supporter of her campaign. David Townsend replied in his wife's place: "It's because Kathleen is incorruptible."

Grace - and self-righteousness - in defeat. Beautiful.

Turn, turn, turn

Joey Amalfitano, TJI's cultural correspondent, recently returned from a trip to South Korea and reported as common sight something we haven't seen since the last time Maryland had a Republican governor - "suicide knobs" on the steering wheel of automobiles. Joey said they appeared to be popular in Seoul among fast-driving, fast-talking urban professionals who like to use them while speaking on cell phones.

The knobs are rarely seen in the United States because they are considered unsafe. However, they are still popular among the fuzzy dicers - the owners of antique and custom cars - and a guy known to many in Harford County as Tom Hockey reports using one at the ice rink in Abingdon. "The Olympia Ice Resurfacer - not to be confused with a Zamboni - at Ice World is equipped with a '50s-style 'Suicide Knob,'" Tom says. "However, I don't use a use a cell phone while I am on the ice; I would probably run right through the boards into the lobby."

Juggler ban a shame

A TJI reader named Christian Anderson was among several who expressed disappointment that the Rouse Co. had banned comic juggler Jerry Rowan from performing at Harborplace.

"What a shame," Anderson wrote. "The guy has been a staple in downtown Baltimore for as long as I can remember. I got to know him when I was a bartender. He is a great guy and a great performer. I think people ought to look at life a little more like Jerry does - sometimes off-color, but for the most part a spirited and always-funny street performer. I think people complain a little too much. If you don't like it, just walk away. He wasn't getting paid, anyhow. And no one said you had to throw a dollar in his bucket. Jerry, you will be missed."

Be the bowl

Our pal Turkey Joe Trabert recently went with his wife Sherry to Marconi's, one of Baltimore's tried-and-tried-and-still-true restaurants. "And it was still great," Joe says. "I had the fried oysters and they were out of this world, then treated myself to the lobster cardinale, and it was just great. Then we finished with the famous hot fudge sundae, and it knocked my socks off." I asked Joe if he licked the bowl in which the fudge sauce had been served, and he said no, of course not, because a gentleman wouldn't do such a thing. But, look, for future reference - it's OK. I asked years ago, and people in Marconi's management said they would not discourage it. So, next time, go for it.

Tinseltown's effect

Seen and heard (by TJI cub reporter Karly Kolaja) in downtown Chestertown: A mom slides her bank card into an ATM, punches in her identification number, and her little blonde daughter, standing in front of her, reaches her arms up to the cash slot and yelps, "Show me the money!"