Let's begin with a simple announcement: This space is now for sale.

That's right, your ad could go right here. Top of the column, bottom of the column, doesn't matter to me. Heck, the money's right, your ad could take up the whole column.

Everyone else is selling ad space, right? Stadiums and arenas are named after big corporations. Skiers, golfers and boxers are walking billboards. Every square inch of space is filled with an ad - soon there are actually going to be police cars plastered with NASCAR-like ads in some of our cities.

Look, there's even a town in California, swear to God, that's thinking about changing its name from Biggs to Got Milk? for the right amount of dough.

Why can't I get in on the action?

So starting now, your logo could go right here. Don't worry about what the publisher says, either. You let me handle that. I'm open to all offers.

You want the name of the column changed from Kevin Cowherd to Kevin Mr. Tire or Kevin GEICO Direct - and that would probably be an improvement - we can arrange that, too.

What really got me thinking about cashing in is that business about the police cars.

Yes, right now there are 20-some cities around the country - we'll talk about one in a moment - that plan to receive new police cars dirt cheap from a North Carolina company in exchange for letting those cars have logos and sponsor-ads emblazoned all over them.

Sure, there are a few sticks-in-the-mud out there who feel it's inappropriate, sends the wrong message about the role of the police, raises conflict of interest issues, etc.

But I say: Quit your bellyachin', willya? You don't like it, move to Russia or China or something.

This is the good ol' U-S-of-A, pal. Advertising is what we're all about. Gotta sell the product, babe.

And don't give me any of that America the beautiful stuff, either.

Spacious skies? Hey, that's why we have the Goodyear blimp and those little planes at the beach towing banners for Sprint and Burger King and Blockbuster.

Amber waves of grain? Look, we got enough grain. You see anyone starving in this country? So why not erect some nice, tasteful, 50-foot-tall billboards in those grain fields that say "Bud: the King of Beers" or "Ask Your Doctor About Vioxx" or "Unisys. Imagine it. Done."?

Purple mountain majesties? Tell me something: What mountain wouldn't look better with a swath of freshly cut virgin timber forming the words Verizon Wireless?

And that fruited plain stuff? Dude, that is so over.

Think of all the airliners that crisscross those fruited plains every day. Then think of all the passengers who could look down and see "Built Ford Tough" or "Cigna. The business of caring" etched into the countryside.

Anyway, one of the towns that will soon be unveiling its new logo-splattered police car is Springfield, Fla., located in the Florida Panhandle, with a population of just under 10,000.

The other day I spoke to Springfield Police Chief Sam Slay, who sounded like a good, solid individual trying to do a difficult job.

Slay said that at first he was reluctant to think about his police cars serving as cruising billboards.

"From a preference standpoint," he said, "I think the citizens should fund the things that have to be funded. I don't think police departments should have to advertise on police cars."

But, added Slay, since the citizens of Springfield don't want taxes raised to pay for new police cars, "I have to set preferences aside for principle. And the principle is we have to have the tools to do the job."

Translation: We sold our souls for the ad revenue. God help us now.

Slay says he doesn't know what kind of advertising will eventually wind up on the new police cars - me, I'd stay away from Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme, anything that could be linked to the whole cops-and-doughnuts thing.

I asked if he could envision a day when not only his police cars, but his officers' uniforms contained advertising, a shirt, say, with "Allegra-D. Real relief. For real living" on the back or a windbreaker that says "Zenith. Digitize the Experience."

"I, um, don't think we'll go that far," Chief Slay said.

But enough about Springfield. Let's get back to this column and the wonderful ad opportunities available here.

Remember: you want the name changed, we change it.

For instance, we could call this space "Nicoderm CQ. Because your cravings are with you 24 hours a day, so are we."

Sure, it's a little wordy. But we'll work that out.

Call me.