I HAVE been dumbstruck by the juxtaposition between the process in the Dontee Stokes shooting case and the outcome in Francis Zito's double murder trial.

Recently, while Mr. Stokes, accused of shooting a priest, was engaged in another "healing event" with Cardinal William H. Keeler, Mr. Zito was sentenced to death for his murder of two police officers in Centreville a year ago.

Mr. Stokes' counsel has tried with some success to turn his client's case into one of Mr. Stokes being the real victim -- of the Rev. Maurice J. Blackwell's alleged abuse. Meanwhile, the seriously and persistently psychotic Mr. Zito, himself a victim of horrendous childhood physical abuse, could not persuade a jury to spare his life.

Although I am not opposed to the death penalty and am all for forgiveness, the events in these two cases seem to have too much of one and not enough of the other.

Certainly the murder of our police officers is an unpardonable crime. Yet can we not also forgive Mr. Zito, a miserably suffering individual, who may have less clearly than Mr. Stokes understood the full implications of his actions, and at least spare his life? Could Cardinal Keeler express his continued opposition to the death penalty with a public "healing event" for Mr. Zito?

Mr. Stokes has extracted a series of apologies from Cardinal Keeler and the archdiocese. He portrays himself as the victim of a life foreclosed due to Father Blackwell's alleged manipulations. Mr. Stokes said he never wanted to pursue a legal action; he merely wanted an acknowledgment and an apology. Absent an apology, perhaps criminal and civil actions would have been better in the end than crude street justice.

If we are to hold Mr. Zito responsible for his slaying of two police officers, and the seemingly even more psychotic Andrea Yates for the drowning of her five children in Texas, is there no way to ask Mr. Stokes to take responsibility for his actions? Can we not hold him accountable legally as we try to understand his pain and forgive his sins?

A step in this direction took place Monday, when a grand jury indicted Mr. Stokes on nine criminal counts, including attempted first-degree murder. "We do not condone vigilante justice," State's Attorney Patricia C. Jessamy said.

She indicated also that Mr. Stokes would not receive special treatment because of the alleged abuse, a circumstance some might think would absolve him of responsibility.

In a logical tangle, it seems that the most damaging crime in our culture is boys being molested by men. Because aspects of the boy's potential manhood are thought to be stolen by the perpetrator, a primitive retribution must be exacted for the victim to reclaim his masculinity. We are more willing to forgive men who seek revenge for their abuse than women.

Recently, in another in a series of similar cases, Kelly Clutter of Pasadena was sentenced to seven years in prison for killing her allegedly abusive estranged husband. The films Fatal Attraction and more recently Unfaithful reveal that the dominant cultural narratives of revenge are largely written by men, even, and perhaps especially, when they apply to women.

In my work with survivors of severe childhood physical and sexual abuse, successful treatment often entails a shift from just being a victim. Yes it's a tragedy these things happened, and perpetrators need to be reported and held accountable, but survivors do well when they begin to tell different stories about themselves than ones of merely being victims.

The culture of therapy has led us astray as we compete to be the most dysfunctional. For many, living well can be the best revenge. It allows survivors to get out from under the legacy and influence of abuse and create a preferred vision for themselves and their future.

Therapists must expand our focus from getting in touch with the inner victim to finding the inner adult. It is time we all hold ourselves to higher standards than simply "getting in touch with our feelings" and excusing away the worst in people.

As citizens, we must demonstrate our civility and resilience by managing our conduct in public. If we are to be morally consistent, we cannot continue to hold the most ill responsible for their actions while allowing others to shift blame to their victim status. If as a society we elect to hold Francis Zito, Andrea Yates and Kelly Clutter responsible for their actions, then we must hold Dontee Stokes responsible for his.

Dan Buccino is a Baltimore psychotherapist.