The June issue of Men's Health magazine features one of the all-time great lists -- the "average guy" list, based on statistics from university studies, research projects and government reports.
The so-called average guy, according to the magazine's research, eats fast food 1.4 times a week, drinks 3.3 cups of coffee daily and knocks down 1.2 alcoholic drinks a day. He eats steak twice a week and 245 eggs a year. To no one's surprise, he has a 1-in-5 chance of being at least 30 pounds overweight.
The list -- which just couldn't help itself -- also reports that the average guy takes about 14 minutes to have sex and engages in that activity 1.5 times a week. If he is married, he has a 1-in-4.3 chance of cheating on his wife. Sleep-wise, he gets 6.9 hours a night.
In perhaps the most frightening news, the magazine's list notes the average guy brushes his teeth 1.9 times a day.
Any list, no matter how well-researched and entertaining, is never truly complete. "The average guy" has so many more dimensions and details to him. Further reflection suggests the following additional laws of averages:
* After brushing his teeth 1.9 times a day, the average guy has a 1-in-1,000 chance of putting the cap back on the toothpaste.
* The average guy has a 1-in-365 chance of remembering his mother-in-law's birthday.
* The average guy has a 1-in-15 chance of remembering what day in the second half of June is his own anniversary.
* The average guy had 1.9 beers last night with the other average guys.
* The average guy has zero chance of his wife believing he had only 1.9 beers last night.
* The average guy has a 1-in-4 chance of developing a crush on his son's fifth-grade math teacher.
* The average guy has a 1-in-4,000 chance of developing a crush on the school librarian.
* The average guy watches "Jaws" 4.7 times a year.
* The average guy slinks into a Victoria's Secret 3 times a year.
* The average guy slinks into a Victoria's Secret and buys the absolutely wrong item 3 times a year.
* The average guy has a 1-in-1.5 million chance of remembering to lower the seat in the bathroom.
* The average guy considers looking up high school girlfriends on the Internet 1.8 times a week.
* The average guy has no chance of promptly noticing his wife's new haircut.
* The average guy has a 1-in-2 chance of not shaving on the weekend.
* The average guy has a 1-in-1 chance of going to a Home Depot on the weekend for imaginary chores.
* Contrary to findings in Men's Health, the average guy engages in sexual activity not 1.5 times a week but rather an alarming 1.6 times a week.