IF CHARLTON Heston wrote an advice column:
Dear Charlton: Please help! "Vivian," a very good friend of mine, is getting married. Naturally, I've been invited to the wedding. But the invitation makes no mention of bringing my long-time boyfriend, "Bob."
"Vivian" knows "Bob" and I have been a couple for years.
I am confused and disappointed. How should I handle this?
-- Hurt in Houston
Dear Hurt: My dear woman, your pain must be enormous. First things first: What kind of heat are you packing?
I'd suggest a visit to "Vivian" with a small-caliber revolver tucked discreetly into your waistband.
Explain that you have no intention of attending her wedding without an escort, as you are not a common street tramp. Then go home, grab a lawn chair and park yourself next to the mailbox.
Ol' Chuck has a feeling that second invitation will be arriving any day now!
Dear Charlton: My brother-in-law "Harvey" is a real moocher. Whenever my husband and I entertain, "Harvey" and his wife, "Ann," ignore the beverages we have set aside for our guests.
Instead, they march right to the liquor cabinet and help themselves to the most expensive scotch we have.
How can I address this problem without offending everyone on my husband's side of the family?
-- Desperate in Des Moines
Dear Desperate: This reminds me of an incident that occurred back when we were filming "El Cid."
There was a wrap party at the home of the saucy Sophia Loren, who later married a well-known Italian socialist, although that is neither here nor there now. Anyway, one of the dishes at the buffet table was German potato salad, which the Chuckster has always loved.
But it seemed as if the entire cast was helping itself to the potato salad. I was in the back of the buffet line, and the supply was dwindling fast.
Finally, I pulled a Colt .45 from my sidearm holster and announced: "Anyone else touches the potato salad, I'll plug em, swear to God."
Might this assertiveness technique work on someone who helps himself a bit too freely to the Johnnie Walker Black?
Dear Charlton: For years, I've carried in my wallet a column of yours that has always given me strength. It's your famous "Prayer for Survival in an Increasingly Ugly, Hostile World."
But now it's so yellowed and frayed I can hardly make out the words.
Could you please reprint that wonderful column?
-- Grateful in Grand Rapids, Mich.
Dear Grateful: With pleasure! Here it is:
Lord, help me to get through another day despite the twisted, homicidal perverts I will encounter at every turn.
Let me be as heavily armed as the dangerous degenerates who populate seemingly every nook and cranny of this once-great country, many of them foreigners who don't belong here in the first place.
If any of these godless vermin draw on me, help my hand be a little quicker, my aim a little surer.
Finally, keep me ever vigilant as our Second Amendment rights continue to erode in a climate of fear and hysteria, so that when the black government helicopters touch down and the final conflagration occurs, it will be my enemies, and not me, your humble servant, who are blown to Kingdom Come.
Dear Charlton: Just a quick note to tell you that you have always been my favorite actor.
I've admired all your work, from "The Ten Commandments," "Ben Hur" and the "The Agony and the Ecstasy" down through your "Planet of the Apes" films and terrific thrillers such as "Omega Man" and "Soylent Green."
You have made movie-going a sheer delight.
-- A Fan in Philadelphia
Dear Fan: Just what kind of sick game are you playing, son?