THB, Banditos, Wayward and more confirmed for Cosmic Cocktail!

William Sears proposes a kinder, gentler parental model; Caring: The physician believes in forming a strong parent-child attachment.

THE BALTIMORE SUN

SAN CLEMENTE, Calif. -- On the one hand, there were children by the thousands. Sick children.

On the other, there were Jimmy, 4, and Bobby, 2, waiting up nights for the kachunk of the Pontiac LeMans in the driveway so Daddy could tuck them into bed.

Dr. William Sears was only 32 when his big break came along: He was offered the job of chief resident of the largest children's hospital in the world.

But he turned down Toronto Hospital for Sick Children to spend more time with his own children. "It was like: 'This is my decision to become an obscure doctor,' " he said. In fact, it might have been the best move of his life.

Today, Sears, 59, and his wife, Martha, 54, have eight children, ranging in age from 7 to 32. And this small-town doctor, awash every day in the ear infections and bed-wetting questions of his practice, has quietly risen to become one of the nation's leading child-care experts.

Some have dubbed him "the new Dr. Spock." Indeed, he has taken over Spock's monthly column slot in Parenting magazine. And his "The Baby Book," which has sold more than 328,000 copies, last year topped Internet bookseller Amazon.com's sales in the "parenting and families" category.

Like Spock in the early days, the affectionate Sears' approach to child rearing has stirred controversy among those who favor a more rigid method.

In a recent issue of a child magazine, for example, Sears clashed with Dr. Richard Ferber over the topic of getting babies to sleep. Ferber has gained a large number of followers for his "cry it out" approach. Sears cringes at the idea, believing that the baby loses trust in the parents.

Sears' method is based on his own experiences with parents and children: one part raising eight kids and another part doctoring. His wife, Martha, not only co-writes many of the books, she provides much of the substance. At the office, Sears listens carefully to his patients -- their problems, their solutions, what works, what doesn't.

At the core is what he calls "attachment parenting" -- forming a bond between parent and child as early as the womb and building on that bond for matters of discipline.

There are generous doses of that philosophy prescribed at his Southern California offices, which he shares with his son Bob, 30, a new pediatrician. Son Jim, 32, will join the practice next month.

Sears is the darling of that new breed of "career parents," parents who have given up career growth and incomes to focus on their kids. A few patients even fly in to see him.

On a recent office visit, Jill Eslick, 37, got tears in her eyes when she talked about how Sears has been willing to see her children with only five minutes' notice. More than medical advice, he has helped her with larger parenting questions -- such as how to get older children to accept a new baby in the house.

"When I went to another doctor, I'd have my list of questions, and they'd charge me extra 'counseling time' just for asking questions," she said.

On many of his patients' charts, Sears affixes a 3-by-5-inch index card. When a parent offers a tip that makes sense, Sears jots it down for later use in a book.

"The secret is to surround yourself with wise parents and to have the humility to learn from them," he said.

Sears keeps an office in his home for after-hours sick-child visits.

For a time, when he felt he was losing his connection with his kids, he moved the entire office home to his garage. His children took to calling it "Dr. Bill's Garage & Body Shop."

That garage had a large sign taped to it recently: Erin's Home!!! Hooray!!! Daughter Erin, 15, Sears explained, was returning from a trip to Russia.

The house is in Capistrano Beach, Calif., with a heart-stopping view of the Pacific, interrupted only by a sagging trampoline and a few brightly colored children's toys.

The Searses live their child-centered philosophy. Martha, who was trained as a nurse, has stayed home, raising the eight kids, although she has also been able to work on the books and do childbirth education on the side.

If parents spend the time at home with their children in the early years, forming attachments, Sears believes, the children will go on to become more empathetic and more connected with the human race. His ideas, he knows, don't always sync with the way people live their lives today.

"I think we need to tell the truth," Sears said. "I feel it's better for both the parents and the babies to have a full-time mom in the first year. But we don't live in an ideal world."

Including Erin, the Searses have only three children at home now. Son Stephen, 9, was born when Martha was 44, and has Down's syndrome. The Searses elected a few months ago to send him away to school. He comes home on weekends. They adopted their final child, Lauren, 7.

Stephen demanded full-time attention. Martha was handling the demands, but then, two years ago, William was diagnosed with colon cancer. Stephen started to falter. Martha could no longer provide the round-the-clock discipline Stephen needed. Several times, she had to call the police when he wandered away from the house and couldn't be found. Both parents resisted boarding school, until they finally gave in.

"It was the hardest thing I've ever done," Martha said.

Add to that her husband's cancer, and it's been a rough couple of years.

"I really was in a position for the first time in my life that I had to trust God," Martha said. They called all their children together the night before William's surgery and did hands-on prayer. That was two years ago, and the cancer appears to be arrested. Sears radically altered his own -- and the family's diet: only fish, and more fruits and vegetables. The next book, due out this fall, is about children and nutrition.

The couple, who have written 23 books, always think their most recent one will be their last.

"But then these terrible trends come out," he said.

The latest theory -- that peers, not parents, make the greatest difference in a child's development -- Sears dismisses outright.

"It's a politically correct thing to get us off the hook as parents, that maybe we can go off and do our own thing," he said.

Sears said he believes that the energy parents pour into their children's early years will inevitably pay off in a child who is more connected -- to the family and to the world around him.

"It's a long-term investment," he said. "The more you put in early on, the better your payoff. The time that child spends in your bed, at your breast, in your arms, is a very short span in the life of a child. But the memories of love and availability last a lifetime."

The five B's of parenting

Dr. William Sears and his wife, Martha, identify five main attachment tools -- the five B's -- that can help parents become more connected to their children.

* Birth bonding: Plan your baby's birth long before you go into labor. Do what you can to minimize trauma and to orchestrate attachment and closeness to the baby in the early hours. If possible, room in with your baby at the hospital.

* Breast-feeding: Because discipline requires that the mother know the child and become intuitively responsive, breast-feeding helps the mother read the baby and begin to understand needs and moods from a very early age.

* Baby wearing: Since 1985, the Searses have been studying what happens when parents hold the baby or wear him in a sling. Their research suggests that babies who are carried cry less. It's also a great way for babies to learn.

* Bed sharing: Night is not your opportunity to get away from your baby, Sears said. It's a time to make the connection stronger. Studies of mothers and infants sleeping together show that the cardiorespiratory system of the baby is more regulated and less stressed. Babies show less anxiety.

* Belief: Believe in the signal value of the baby's cry. When a baby cries, don't delay. Pick him up and comfort him. "A baby's cry is a baby's language, designed for the survival of the baby. Babies cry to communicate," Sears said, "not manipulate."

Pub Date: 06/20/99

Copyright © 2019, The Baltimore Sun, a Baltimore Sun Media Group publication | Place an Ad
39°