Absolutely true news item: In a study released this week, researchers have found that eating chocolate may be good for your heart. The study was sponsored by Mars Inc., the makers of M&Ms; and Snickers, and was conducted by Mars and the University of California Davis.

That leads us to these health stories of the future:

Eating two pounds of potato chips a week can alleviate stress and improve the complexion of teens, scientists have discovered.

"Actually, three pounds a week is even better for you," said Dr. Fred "Spuds" McKenzie, chief researcher. "We injected some liquefied chips into rats and their blood pressure went down. Way, way down."

The study was co-sponsored jointly by the state of Idaho and the Sodium Institute, but McKenzie asserted there was "absolutely no connection" between the $1 million grant he received and his findings.

A giant bowl of ice cream, right before bedtime, greatly increases your odds of living to 100, according to a recently published paper in a medical journal.

"We were surprised, too, but facts are facts," said Dr. Ben Andejerry, the lead researcher. "You might not be able to get out of bed, but you'll live a good, long time."

The three-year, $2.2 million study was funded by the state of Wisconsin and People Who Just Love Cows, a nonprofit group.

This may make Happy Hour more cheerful: Scientists have uncovered a link between heavy drinking and creativity.

"We have documented proof -- about 100 proof, actually -- that some of our best writers liked to tip a few," said Miles Pilsner, who directed the study.

"Fitzgerald, Faulkner, Hemingway, Fred Exley. You could look it up."

Pilsner proposed a federal program -- "A Six-Pack to Success" -- that would give high school students the opportunity "to tap into their creativity" by making beer available in English classes.

"We know it's controversial, but the teachers are all for it," he said. "The kegs we supply in the teacher's lounges have proven very popular."

The $4 million study was paid for by Anheuser-Busch, the Miller Brewing Co. and Beer Nuts.

Tired of jogging? Take up smoking.

Researchers have found that smoking three packs of cigarettes a day has the same effect on the cardiovascular system as jogging two miles.

"It's the most amazing thing," said Dr. Hugh Foole, who conducted the research for Those Truth-Spewing Tobacco Folks. "As soon as somebody lights up, their heart starts racing like a bunny rabbit's. So it's a way to get the ticker pumping without hurting your feet."

Although scientists have long associated smoking with a myriad of health problems, including lung cancer, Foole said the Tobacco Folks has "a great big warehouse" at Duke University full of academic papers that cast doubt on the other research.

Foole was paid $5 million for his work, but he said that did not influence his findings. "You don't understand," he said, lighting up. "I'm a scientist. And a scientist can't be bought."

Newspaper ink is the key to health, wealth and, surprisingly, "eternal bliss," according to a new study.

"Who would have thought it?" asked Roy Peter Scanlan, executive director of the Freedom Forum, which conducted the research.

"Most people think it's annoying to get ink on their fingers when they read a newspaper. They don't know how lucky they are."

The research found that the ink contains "magical properties" that control intelligence, good looks and the Dow Jones Industrial Average, but only when absorbed through the fingertips.

Scanlan declined to release specific details of how the research was conducted. "Trust us," he said.

Newspaper executives paid for the study, which cost $3.75 million and a free coffee mug.

"One subscription is not enough to get the full benefit," Scanlan said. "You need two, three -- enough papers for every member of the family."

For subscription information, call 800-829-8000.

In a stunning finding, researchers have uncovered a connection between the amount of money paid to consultants and what they actually report.

"This is really significant," said Noah Lye, president of People for Good Old-Fashioned Common Sense, a research consortium in Dallas.

"It seems that you can get researchers to say just about anything if you pay them enough."

Lye said his group conducted the study after surgeons reported a marked increase in doctor visits among people "who were stuffing themselves with candy bars."

Only rarely will a consultant provide findings that displease the person or company footing the bill, Lye said.

"Besides, everyone knows that candy bars aren't good for your heart," he added.

"Bacon is."

People for Good Old-Fashioned Common Sense is the research arm of the National Pork Council. Lye refused to disclose his salary.

Pub Date: 3/27/99