NEWS ITEM: "Ford unveils its long-awaited Excursion utility vehicle this week. At 19 feet long and weighing 4 1/4 tons, it seats nine and is the largest passenger vehicle on the road."
March 22: In a move expected for some time, Chevrolet today introduced its new Colossus SUV, 20 feet and 5 tons of chrome and steel powered by a super-charged V-10 engine.
Interior upgrades include a fully-operational marble fountain behind the front console and "stadium seating" in the rear two-thirds of the vehicle.
"What America wants is big," said a Chevrolet spokesman. "Big Macs, Big Gulps, big-screen TVs, big vehicles. This baby makes the Ford Excursion look like a Schwinn 10-speed."
Fuel economy? The kind that makes an Environmental Protection Agency weenie clutch his chest: 9 miles per gallon!
April 15: Toyota today announced the debut of its new Grand Sequoia, at 21 feet and 6 tons the "undisputed heavyweight champion of SUVs."
The Grand Sequoia is the first SUV to feature a standard-sized slate-bed pool table between the front and back seats.
"Let's face it: counting out-of-state license plates just doesn't get it on long car trips anymore," said a Toyota spokesman. "But how many times have you thought: 'Boy, I could go for a game of eight-ball about now!'
"Now you just grab a buddy, hop in the back seat and say: Rack 'em!"
Toyota is also touting the Grand Sequoia's safety features: In recent test crashes at Toyota's Los Angeles proving facility, the Grand Sequoia was pitted against the Nissan Sentra. After a full-speed collision at 55 mph, the Grand Sequoia came away with a faint smudge on its left front bumper, while parts of the Sentra were found as far away as Idaho.
With an EPA city rating of 7 mpg, Grand Sequoia owners are sure to turn their high-rolling friends green with envy!
May 10: The all-new Isuzu Mammoth was ushered into the SUV market today, 7 tons and 22 feet of polished chrome and steel perched atop tractor-sized tires and powered by a roaring V-14 engine.
Swathed in fine Corinthian leather that cost the lives of 200 head of cattle, the Mammoth features a full-sized conference room, 17 phone jacks, a secretarial cubicle and 54 jumbo-sized cup- holders.
With a ground clearance of 15 feet, drivers must take an elevator one floor up to the Dashboard Level, where captain's chairs heated with solar power and a Dolby surround-sound system are just two of many amenities.
With a dismal EPA rating of 5 mpg city, you'll spend half your life (easy!) at the gas pumps!
Won't they be talking about you this summer at the country club!
June 4: Question: What's 25 feet long, weighs 9 tons and handles like an aircraft carrier?
Answer: the Nissan Enormo, the world's newest and largest SUV, introduced today with a redesigned chassis patterned after the flight deck of the USS Admiral Nimitz.
Now the official on-ground transportation of the Green Bay Packers, the Enormo carries a base sticker price of $175,000 and features a tennis court, patio lounge and working sauna in the rear.
With a 48-valve, V-16 engine, the Enormo's full-time four-wheel drive was recently tested on the north face of Alaska's Mount McKinley, where it cleared the summit in 45 minutes.
How's this baby on gas? Get this: a ludicrous 3 mpg -- and that's only if you're coasting! Expect at least 200 members of the Sierra Club picketing in your driveway every time you fire up the ignition.
Your friends are right: Some guys just exude class!
July 11: Proclaiming it had built "the absolute King Kong of SUVs," Dodge today unveiled the new Dodge Behemoth II, roomier first cousin to the popular Behemoth I, now classified as a mid-sized utility vehicle.
Three stories high and 27 feet long, the Behemoth II features a 25-room Marriott Inn and can be parked only in a Boeing 767 hangar.
With a throbbing 64-valve, V-18 engine, you don't exactly expect great gas mileage from this beast. And guess what? You don't get it, either!
Are you ready for the number? Yes, a measly 1 mpg!
Hooooeee! Will those tree-huggers be steaming when they see you driving down the road!
Who's The Man? You're The Man -- but only if you have the guts to get behind the wheel of this monster!
Pub Date: 3/18/99