Q. I am hoping you can offer some insight about the behavior of my dear friend's 11-year-old granddaughter. This girl was born to 16-year-old parents. The mother abandoned the family when the child was 3. Though the father accepted responsibility, the paternal grandmother and aunt raised the child through age 8. Then the girl decided to live with her mother, who was involved with two other men and had another child by one. After a year, the girl decided to come back to her father and his family.

Now the mother is living nearby and uses her daughter as a baby sitter (no pay). She does nothing but berate her and make her feel like a nonentity. Yet this girl insists on being involved with her mother. She even protects and supports her mom.

How should the paternal family deal with this? They feel nothing but disgust and anger that this child, fully aware that her mother does not love or support her, still caters to her.

A. What a sad situation. It must be terrible for the paternal family who has cared so much for this child. But this girl is telling them that she needs her mother even though she is a rejecting parent. I don't see how they can do anything but keep on supporting and encouraging the 11-year-old.

Tell them not to criticize the mother when speaking to the girl. They should not let their anger with the mother add to this child's conflict. Instead, they should let her know that they know how much she needs and wants her mother. Let her know that they admire her for her ability to give. They should support her in this ability to stand by her mother.

She will be able to sort out these allegiances later on. For now, it's obvious how hungry she is for her mother -- and that hunger should be respected.

Pub Date: 03/14/99