ONE OF THE nice things about joining a health club is: You get to use the pool. One of the bad things about using the pool is: fat guys in Speedos.

On the face of it, it's hard to imagine the thought process that leads a fat guy to put on a Speedo.

Let's say, for the sake of discussion, that you're a fat guy, OK?

And one day you find yourself standing naked in front of a mirror.

Now, a fat guy who's of sound mind would immediately think: "My God, I can't be seen in a pool wearing anything less than a tarpaulin!"

But some fat guys apparently don't think that way.

Some fat guys must look in the mirror and think: "Y'know, I bet I'd look hot in a tight, skimpy bathing suit."

I know, I know . . . it's absolutely insane.

You want to shake these guys and scream: "Are you out of your mind?! A Speedo? Look at that gut! You look like Ernest Borgnine, for God's sake!"

But some fat guys just don't get it. Believe me, I see 'em all the time.

I don't know if it's possible to convey the full horror of jumping into a cold pool at 7 in the morning and seeing a fat, hairy guy in a Speedo in the next lane.

At that point, of course, your first thought is: How do I cancel my membership?

But that'll cost you money; you have to practically give up your first-born male child to quit some of these health clubs.

So your next thought becomes: Please let me drown so I don't ever see a sight like that again.

But that generally won't work, either, because all these pools have lifeguards.

Even if you did try to quietly sink to the bottom, pretty soon some earnest 19-year-old kid would be pulling you out and administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

And when you come to, there's the fat guy in the Speedo again. So it's basically a no-win situation.

Before we go any further, let's review some basic facts about the Speedo.

No. 1: There are maybe five guys in the entire world who look good in Speedos.

And No. 2: None of these guys is over 10 years old.

This is because in order to look good in a Speedo, you need the body-fat content of a whippet.

You need an absolutely flat stomach.

You need to have no butt whatsoever.

This, right away, eliminates 99 percent of the adult male population.

If you have any kind of a gut at all and slip on a Speedo, you'll look . . . well, hideous is the word that comes to mind.

A word or two now about European guys in Speedos.

If you've ever been to a pool or beach with European guys, you know they all wear Speedos. Apparently it's the law over there. And European guys don't care what they look like.

You could weigh 300 pounds, you could have a gut like Santa Claus, doesn't matter. If you're going for a dip in the Mediterranean or the Black Sea or wherever, you're pulling on a Speedo.

The last time I was in Miami, I was on a crowded beach with a lot of Europeans. Imagine 500 guys with pasty-white skin and a build like Boris Yeltsin walking around in Speedos.

Not a pretty picture, is it? But that's what we had to endure all day long.

And Miami wonders why tourism is down.

Still, just because they put up with fat guys in Speedos in Europe, that doesn't mean we have to put up with it in this country.

The thing that gets me is, where are the health clubs on this whole issue?

Look, adding state-of-the-art treadmills and fancy new weight-lifting equipment is all well and good.

But what they ought to be doing is keeping fat guys in Speedos out of the pool.

Believe me, the members will appreciate that more than anything else.

Let's say the health club staff gathered all the members together and asked: "Who wants us to add another Tae-bo class?"

OK, fine, they'd probably see a few hands raised.

But if the staff asked: "OK, who wants the fat guys in Speedos outta here?" every hand in the room would shoot up.

That's just common sense.

Pub Date: 3/11/99