AS IF we didn't already have enough to worry about, what with the shrinking strike zone and the very real possibility that the Rev. Jerry Falwell is the "lost" Teletubby, we now have to come up with a name for the next decade.
According to an article in USA Today, there is no general agreement as to what we should call the years 2000-2009. The Double Ohs? Decade One? The Singles? Yech.
The New York Times language columnist William Safire has suggested calling the first decade of the new millennium the Zippy Zeros, which suggests to me that Mr. Safire may be a victim of Sick Building Syndrome or perhaps is simply in need of a long, restful vacation. (Yo, Bill: The Times' early retirement package is very generous. You may want to check it out.)
The 1990s, for all its failings, at least had the decency to provide us with an obvious name that was short, easy to pronounce and lent itself well to newspaper headlines. It is unlikely that the next decade will show us the same courtesy.
Rather hard to say
The Two Thousandths? If Dan Rather tries saying that on the evening news, he'll swallow his tongue and his head will explode. I know what you're thinking and you should be ashamed.
The best suggestion I've heard so far -- and it is by no means great -- is The Pre-Teens.
If the next decade is anything like the one we're in now, it will be unruly, unmanageable and susceptible to the most hideous trends in fashion and music, just like a real pre-teen. The analogy is not perfect, however, because I assume we won't have to remind the next decade 100 times a day to pick up its clothes, get off the phone or do its homework. Then again, we are headed into uncharted territory.
The First Decade of the 21st Century makes up in logic what it lacks in pizzazz, but headline writers will be tempted to abbreviate it to FD21C, which is not something I or anyone else would want to see happen.
Not the '90s
Given what we've been through, calling the next decade Not The Nineties has a certain appeal, but there is always the possibility that the Two Thousandths will be the '90s all over again, which is a thought even more depressing than plunking down $20,000 for a Zippy Zero Dodge minivan.
David Grimes is a columnist for the Herald-Tribune in Sarasota, Fla.
Pub Date: 3/09/99